The 2015 red carpet is a wrap (and speaking of rap, Jeez Louise, that Glory performance was amazing). Just remember the opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of a qualified-to-judge individual.
And here we go, the stuff I wouldn’t wear if you paid me really big money and sent my kids to college and assured me you could do something that would make my dog live forever.
1. Lady Gaga. But do you think her arms have enough room? Apparently, the Lady wore her Playtex Living gloves because she promised to wash dishes at the Vanity Fair party. (Help is just so hard to find Oscar’s week).
2. Scarlett Johansson. Green with no envy. Hey, look they’re making another Avatar movie, but this time the girl is green. The hair is too severe. The necklace is from the $1 store, on sale for 50 cents. Introducing the Jolly Green Giant’s mistress.
3. Kerry Washington. Can’t believe the Gladiators let her out of the house in this. Fern-y embroidery copied from the wallpaper in a retirement home dining hall in Boca. Really, this is what we’re doing Kerry? From the neck up, she was utter perfection, including those amazing daisy chain earrings, but I can’t believe Olivia Pope allowed her to walk on the carpet in this.
4. Dakota Johnson. Fifty seven trillion shades of ugly. Yes, it was red, but not red carpet. And what about that “I’m on my way to a baseball game ponytail.”
5. Felicity Jones. Too much skirt. The top of this dress was lovely, but the bottom was a hot mess. There was a voluminous amount of fabric. Was she hiding the entire Von Tropp family in there?
6. Patricia Arquette. I love her, just not her dress. I want better for Ms. Arquette, because she’s so flipping cool, and comfortable with herself, and she’s so real and un-Hollywood. Not to mention her amazing speech. But when you have boobage, you need to be careful you don’t look like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade balloon. You need to balance out those girls with the rest of your body. And here, there just isn’t any balance. The one shouldered style just made her look bigger. And bigger is never better. But she doesn’t care what I think, or what anyone thinks. Which is why she looks perfect, bad dress or not.
7. Keira Knightly. I thought nothing could make this girl ugly, but then award season happened. I’m sure this dress took 2,450,341 women 8, 912,234 hours to embroider. I don’t care. They wasted their time.
8. Reese Witherspoon. What’s with that black thing? A prop from Fifty Shades of Gray? Reese was looking great, and then the stylist felt like the top didn’t fit well and came and wrapped her shoulders in duct tape, you know, just in case.
9. Chloe Grace More (as in too much skirt) tz. Who doesn’t love a pocket, except when it makes you look like you’re going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
10. Lupita Nyong’o. That’s a lot of oysters. A strand of pearls is classic, a whole dress of them, not so much.
THE BEST. BEST. BEST.
1. Emma Stone. A rare gem. This color was INCREDIBLE on her. The flow, the cut, the hair, the make-up. We’re talking a big freaking 10. Emma’s got herself a great stylist. She looked perfect.
2. Zoe Saldana. Twins three months ago, but a look that’s a singular sensation. Blush pink is so becoming. I loved this dress. Sure it’s simple, but it has beautiful lines, and it’s just the definition of lovely.
3. Jenifer Aniston. Fit is everything. Long drawn out sigh of admiration. I. LOVE. THIS. DRESS. Jenifer, whose hair is usually the envy of the world didn’t have the greatest do last night, but that dress, well, THAT was a DO. So often the boob area on a strapless gown don’t work. The boobs are either mashed in, or falling out, but this fit was like a second skin. Fuck the Academy, you win, Jen.
4. Naomi Watts. Thoroughly modern. What a totally cool dress. She looked phenomenally now. A modern silhouette and perfectly simple hair. LOVE.
5.Sienna Miller. Plus it’s black.There is a lot going on with this dress, and it’s all right. I wish her hair was down, because it’s cut in such a cute bob right now, but I am all about this look.
6. Margot Robbie. I give her an A for effortless. I could not take my eyes off this girl. She is drop down on your knees gorgeous. And while this dress might have been a frump-a-thon on some, she just looked like she threw it on. And THIS IS THE HAIR OF THE NIGHT.
7. Luciana Pedraza & Jennifer Lopez . Plunging perfection. I’m sorry, but if there’s tulle, I’m all in. Both Robert Duvall’s wife and Jennifer Lopez were on the same train, with Luciana edging out Jenny from the boobs, I mean block. Luciana’s dress had a better fit, and color. And did I mention, there was tulle.
Tell me what you thought. The flower growing out of Gwyneth’s shoulder? Julianne Moore’s evil eye dress? Tell me what I missed. C’mon, give me your best shot.