gratitude-a-thon day 912: the top ten reasons I’m celebrating my empty nest

My daughter leaves for college tomorrow (you’re all like, “wow, she is so calm, no capital letters, and she didn’t even say “fuck” once in that sentence– wonder if she’s not feeling well). Here are the things I am trying to focus on, since Sunday, August 28, will officially be the first day that I will have an empty nest:

1. The goddamn shoe pile which greeted one when one came through the door. This shoe pile seemed to actually contain more shoes than I think any of us owned. I’m not sure if Riley (my dog) has been bringing shoes home and adding them, but guess what–this ever expanding shoe pile is history.
2. When I leave the kitchen clean, it will stay clean, again, unless Riley decides to have people over, which, on occasion, he does.
3. The laundry will no longer have folded shirts in it, which were placed into the hamper because “I didn’t feel like wearing it, and didn’t feel like putting it back in my drawer, either.”
4. I will no longer be a practically daily regular at Whole Foods, where people will gawk at the absurd amount of groceries in my cart, and mistake me for Octomom, and the sales help will no longer wonder if I work there.
5. I will never be caught in the bathroom without toilet paper, BECAUSE I REPLACE IT AFTER I USE IT.
6. My car will no longer be the depository of rogue water bottles, Panera Bread bags, candy wrappers, or smelly soccer socks.
7. I will no longer have to look at two rooms that resemble the remnants of a tornado, tsunami, earthquake. I may, however, find Jimmy Hoffa, and have taken note to get my hair done for press shots.
8. I will not have to pretend that someone else will take out the dog, because they never have and now they never will.
9. Nobody will ever take my phone or computer charger and tell me they DID NOT TAKE MY PHONE OR COMPUTER CHARGER.
10. I can make whatever the fuck I want for dinner (my husband would eat the porch steps and tell me what a lovely meal I made).