Ok, so here’s the thing, I feel downright sheepish writing about fashion when Ukraine is under attack by a man who’s pants are never long enough and last week wore the same exact suit and tie two days in a row. So, let’s just get that out of the way, that I am not a grossly shallow person who takes joy in aiming arrows at the poorly dressed when others are suffering, BUT after a long slog with Covid coming to an end and a legit and I must say, very enjoyable award show on the telly last night, with actors free of masks (and in some cases, mirrors), it seemed we all might need a little fun. So, with my Ukranian grandmother’s can-do, let’s fight, I will protect my turf, and “Go fuck yourself” blood coursing through me, I will carry on my tradition of fashion slashin’ and you can judge me however you’d like, but please just make fun of my character and not my clothes.

You’re the worst.

Shari BelaFRUMPe

When the invitiation came, Shari only read the part about it being in an airplane hangar and thus dressed to fly to the land of What Not to Wear when you’re going, well, anywhere.

Piper PerabNO

Ode to the strapless dress. If it fits well, you’ve hit the fashion bullseye. But it appears that after Piper slipped into this body hugging white number, a very short tulle-obsessed bride-to-be who was trying on wedding dresses heard it was SAG and ran to the show to see if she could get in, but instead slammed into the right side of Piper’s body moving her from the best dressed list to the worst in the time you can say “I do.”

Jared LetUHOH

It’s 1975 prom season back on the ranch and Jared is all hyped up to ask his girl. So tired of his usual cow wrangling every day wear, Jared decides to go rancher glam in satin. Not just satin, baby blue satin. And not just boots, white boots. And not just a tie, a fucking maoron velvet ribbon long enough to ensure that his girl will not be going back to the hay pile with him at the end of the dance.

Jackie Hoffman stops at SAG on way to Target

Here’s how it went down. Jackie, adorable and hilarious actress that she is, had errands to do before her week began. She made her list and realized Target was the place she could get most of her needs met (cheap shoes, a wide range of non-prescription glasses). Of course, on the way, she was informed that the SAG awards were not next Sunday night, but this Sunday night and well, she just said, the hell with it, at least my shoes are comfortable.

Jada Pinkett should have (Red) Tabled this dress.

When you’re as gorgeous as Jada, you don’t even need hair to look glam, but that’s where the beauty ends. Did she put a tee from the Gap under this dress, because she was like, “Will, it’s cold, I’m throwing a layer on under this thing,” and he was too busy practicing his acceptance speech to stop her?

Amanda Brugel runs with scissors.

It’s a bed sheet, it’s a duvet, it’s a tablecloth. I don’t even know this woman, I just know, she cut arm holes into some white thing in her house and headed for the hangar.

It’s a big little lie that Reese Witherspoon could pull off this dress (She should have pulled off this dress).

I love a column dress, but This looked like she got some blue toilet paper stuck in her booty and nobody told her. Did she have lunch with Leto beforehand to discuss how absolutely fabulous the color baby blue is? Not to mention that she borrowed batman’s headpiece for top of this mess, I mean dress. Holy Horrific, someone call Robin.

Jeremy not Strong in the department of fashion.

God, I love this actor. He’s mesmerizing and seemintly effortless in his role as Kendall in Successon. They always say when you talent in one part of your life, you don’t get it in another and I guess we now know from his pink velvet suit with, (momentary complete loss of oxygen over here), BLACK SHOES exactly what the “other” is.

And now we move on to the style stars.

Vanessa Hudgens Tick, Tick, BOOM.

This is my idea of total and complete perfection. This dress fits like the damn winter gloves I keep havng to sport in this miserable New England weather. The color is subtle yet it’s rich and radiant. The cut shows off every curve, but in a becoming, not a here’s-my-vagina way. Her simple hair and absolutely glowing skin finishes off what I thought was the best thing on that carpet last night.

Emilia Jones, now hear this.

The bling, the black, the overlay, the super simple hair and minimal makeup scored 1,209,308 for me.

Kerry Washington. This is anything but a scandal.

Yield to Kerry, who rarely does wrong and yup, she hit it right again. The yellow was a standout amidst many darker colors and the cut was body hugging, while voluminous at the same time. She gets a hair award, too. This is how you do it.

Cate the Great, Blanchett

I didn’t like the little square poof that the waist of this dress had, but Cate is such an itty bitty person that it didnt highlight that weird part of the cut and the top fit so well and the whole deal was so simple and perfect, I had to call it The natural hair was also a homerun.

Cynthia Erivo, sing it, sister.

Bold red patent leather and feathers. Uh huh. When asked about her dress, the stunner said she was updating a look from Aretha, who she played in a movie. Update she did. This woman always brings it to the carpet, and she killed again last night.

Ann Dowd. Aunt Lydia would never.

Ann is my bestie’s sister and she is nothing if not spectacularly sweet and loving and warm and wonderful. Which goes to show what a truly gifted actress she is. I loved this look on her. The blue brings out her eyes. The bangs are a hit. The fit is great. She is climbing the style ranks as we speak. And hey, Annie, can I borrow that necklace?