Oscar-a-tude-a-thon day 2054: the pink, the red, the sparkly and the i liked the no host

Ok, so it turns out not having a host for the Oscars was the best thing that has ever happened to that little statuette. The show had more energy, the movie clips were a bit longer, the speeches didn’t get cut off by annoying music. The kick-off by Queen was cool and speaking of cool, who is cooler than the girl trio of Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Maya Rudoph not being hosts. Yeah, I’m into the no host deal. It worked.

But of course, some of the red carpet’s looks did not work. And here they are now:

Lady GaGa. Hip hip no way.

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She may have had the $30 million dollar necklace Audrey Hepburn wore on her press tour for Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but that dress made Audrey roll around in her grave screaming, “NOOOOOOO.” (I heard her). Why would you want your hips to look bigger? I don’t get it. Call me shallow.

 

Rachel W (HY) eisz.

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She is wearing a rubber glove as a top. That there is latex. Who could possibly have thought this was a good idea? DomiNOtrix with a hairband.

Linda Cardellini. There are layers and layers of wrong here.

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This is like a 50’s peignoir having a bad menstrual cycle.

Kacey Mus(t not have looked in a mirror)graves.

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Tutu pink. Tutu princessy, Too, too much.

Maya Rudolph is funny, this dress is not.

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She is so talented–adept at comedy, singing, acting, but not so much dressing. This looks like she pulled a Gone With the Wind “I’ll make my dress out of the curtains” moment while visiting her very feminine grandmother.

Elaine Welteroth. The hostess with the mostest.

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You know how they’re banning straws everywhere? Now we know where they all went.

Sza. Her expression looks like even she wonders why she wore this mess.

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This is like a bridal look gone awry crossed with Frederick’s of Hollywood sheets ripped quickly from a bed. And hey, is there a towel, up there at the top?

Sarah Paulson. Badass in a bad dress.

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She’s wearing the color of the night, but not in a good way. So here’s what I’m thinking. The designer made her a skirt, but it was too short, then not knowing what to do with it, he/she just decided to make it a top.  Also, there’s some kind of lacing situation in her midriff. Yeah, NO.

Diane Warren. Some people know how to write songs. Some people know how to dress. Guess which one she is.

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Where to start. How much time do you have? The blazer is too long, plus it has that weird braiding down the arms, The pants and shoes look like they were stolen from a high school marching band. But it’s the necklace/dickey that really gets this look into the category of “you’re the worst.”

And the best, and they were good.

Brie Larson. How Oscar would look if he were Silver.

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Oh the simplicity, the cut, the slit, the fit. Easy hair, gorgeous shoe. She gets the gold for this silver number.

Regina is King of the carpet.

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The curves of this dress were sublime. If Beal Street Could Talk, it’d be all over this absolutely gorgeous look.

Marina de Tavira. Muy Bueno.

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I don’t love red. But this look got me. It fit beautifully and I was crazy about her diamond danglers that also had some red in them.

Gemma Chen. I never met a pocket I didn’t like.

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I adore this dress. It’s formal, but looks crazy comfortable. And the pockets. Who does not love a pocket? Nobody, that’s who.

Angela Bassett.

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I hate, hate a sculptural dress, but this one worked for me in a big (shoulder bow) way. It fit like a glove and her makeup was somewhere beyond perfection.

Jennifer Lopez. Mirror, mirror on the wall.

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She’s the fairest one of all. J-lo always knows how to go high. She does a red carpet like no other. Day-um, this dress.

Michelle Ye Ha, I mean Oh.

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Wow. This was just so pretty. The cut was classic, but the fabric was unusual and sparkled with every move she made. I’m crazy about it.

gratitude-a-thon day 2031: red carpet-a-thon: the oscars

Last night was the King of the Jungle, the Manolo Blahnik, the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee of Award Shows: the Oscars. So, let’s get on with the fussing, the mussing and the cussing and get right to fashion lashin’, the clothing loathing, the who ones who looked like they were dressed for Halloween, and those who got it perfectly right.

Let’s start with the sisters who just go to show that having money does not mean you have taste:

Salma (What the) Hayek (are you wearing?)

 

From the chandelier crystal sleeves to the sad color and flammable fabric, this dress is a Glamour Don’t from head to toe. Only if you told me that Trump would step down as president if I wore this, would I.

Sister Maya Rudolph, let us pray.

My friend Yvette texted me while Ms. Rudolph was presenting to ask me if she’d purchased this at The Handmaid Tale’s Outlet. I responded that yes, yes, she must have and I hoped it was half price.

Nicole are you Kid(ding)man me?

I think this dress looks superimposed on Nicole’s body, like it’s not real, like it’s a Jessica Rabbit thing. And that fabric looks so stiff it could walk the carpet on its own.

Whoopsi Goldberg

I love that at least she made an effort, so devoted to comfort clothes is Whoopi, but this is just a tortured mess of fabric and are you kidding me with the black Spanx/Cami/T-shirt that is covering her cleavage? And speaking of cleavage, could she have not worn some support for the girls? They are crying out for help.

Haley Bennett almost got mowed down on the carpet.

I think this is actual sod. Sod that didn’t do well and had to be picked up off of her yard, while her stylist was taking a meeting at her house and said to Haley, “Hey, I know, let’s be all eco-friendly and make your dress out of this.” This is all I can think of, because WHY ELSE?

Queen (of comedy) Tiffany Haddish

Wait, is she from Wakanda? No, she’s not, she’s on the worst dressed list.

Let’s be (Emily) Blunt, this is ugly.

Dug out of her closet and repurposed from the prom she was forced to attend with her cousin Leonard because her boyfriend abruptly broke up with her when he saw the dress.

And the wondrously gorg! The beautifully perfect! The girls who got it so damn right.

Margot Robbie hits a fashion triple axel, triple toe combo to score a 10.

I’m not sure what Margot could wear to ruin her effortless beauty, but this dress was soooooo good. Paper-thin flowy fabric, a beautiful and simple cut with just a little bit of zhoozh. So smart to keep this gorgeous face fresh and clean and the hair simple.

No need to Wonder Woman, you look amazing.

Gal Godot just looks smashing. This dress is fun. The fit is perfect and it lights up the whole damn room, just like her smile.

Mary J. Blige keeps killing it on the carpet.

Mary’s transformation from a singer to a singer and actress has included a total style upgrade. Everything she wears is really well thought out and fits her perfectly. This dress is no exception. I absolutely love it.

Eiza Gonzalez wears an awful color and still looks better than everybody else.

I don’t like yellow. It’s too harsh, too bright, too just plain wrong, but this dress on this body is everything good in the world.

Greta Gerwig gets it right for once.

All hail the only female director in the bunch. And all hail her dress, too. Greta is not a fashion icon in my book, but this look was numero diez. Her hair was a little old Hollywood wave, with that dark lip enhancing it, and the dress is just easy and effortless. Let’s face it, I have never met a flower I didn’t like.

Looks like Jennifer Garner is done being sad over Ben leaving.

If looking good is the best revenge, Jen wins. Back from a public divorce and looking better than ever, I hate this color, but love this dress and her strong and confident hair and makeup. Yup, this one is back.

Lady Saoirse Ronan

How adorable is she? I just love this look. It’s sweet and oh so simple. She is young and fresh and looks it.