I had a hard time breastfeeding. Jake didn’t latch on properly and my nipples bled. I even went to a La Leche coach, who lived in the back woods of Easton, to learn how to fix my faulty technique, but it didn’t help.  And to further infuriate matters, when I was in public, I was not comfortable and easy about feeding him. I would sit like a statue, trying to cover my boob, without suffocating my kid.  I couldn’t imagine what all the joyous noise was about when it came to nursing, because nothing about it worked for me that could be described as anything but anxiety provoking and painful. So, at four months, I finally gave in, guilty with all the harm I was going to do to my child by not feeding him from the world’s best source, and stopped nursing. Yep, guilty as charged.

With Ally, who cried for the first six months of her life, I tried again to breastfeed, and while my nipples didn’t bleed this time, and I barely gave a shit who saw my boobs in public anymore, she only liked one of my boobs and not the other. Who knows why? Maybe one side was chocolate milk and the other side was not. But with her crying all the time, that left breast was becoming like a water fountain at a grammar school, in constant use. And frankly, with another kid, who was pretty jealous of this new head of hair who cried all the time, I just gave in at three months and stopped for good, happily ending my breastfeeding career forever. Breastfeeding  not only didn’t work well for me personally, but it impacted my family in a negative way. So, I  made a choice that was better for my whole family and not just good for my baby. While I still have guilt over it, I do think It was the right thing for all of us.

I want to say that if you can breastfeed, it’s clearly the best thing for your newborn. I can understand how it must be wonderful for the women who have the right bodies for it, but not every woman does. And I did not. Breast is best, but not always.

But let me tell you about the guilt that came with my failure as a milk machine. Women are not nice about this issue. For those women, for whom using their breasts as a food source works well, breastfeeding is a cult-y topic. They will shame you into misery. There is no sisterhood here. You’re either in or you’re out. There is judgement all over the place when it comes to this issue. And I allowed it to make me feel like less than a good mom.

Which is why, I give it up today to Kim Simon, who has done both, and wants women to know it’s ok however you choose to feed your baby. Thanks, Kim. Where were you when I was drowning in milk and guilt way back when?