It’s starting.

I’m beginning to fully comprehend that my daughter will be going to college next September and my family of five will be a family of three (I’m counting the dog in there, because well, he’s a family member).

I get a little spinny, a little out of breath when I allow this information in, or when it slips into my conciousness  without invitation, or warning, (like in the middle of the fucking night) or like the other day in the meat section of the grocery store, when an old friend asked me about how it felt to think about not having any kids home next year.

I DON’T KNOW YET. SCARED, WEIRD, HAPPY, CRAZY, AND 92 OTHER THINGS. DON’T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT IT, IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT.

But I have to think about it, ready or not. It’s such a huge, massive, and alien change that I have to think about it. Part of me can’t even IMAGINE not having kids in my house everyday, after having them here for 21 years. CAN’T. EVEN. IMAGINE. And note: I have a very fertile imagination.

Sometimes I wonder if it will be like the experience of bringing home your first baby. Everything is different, every part of your life is changed. It takes a long time to remember you have another person to consider 24/7. It’s terrifying, and terrifyingly wonderful.

Is that what it will be like? To start again?