gratitude-a-thon day 1035: a peak at the worst from the met gala

Hmmmm. The Met Gala. Should I or should I not review, I thought to myself this morning. First of all, I’m more of a realistic fashion person–I like pretty things, not what the fashion glitterati calls “fashion-forward.” I’m just not a high fashion person (I would have to be really, really high to wear some of these gowns), so I don’t really think I’m qualified, but then again, that just makes it more fun. So, in the category of “who are you to judge, but go ahead anyway,” my thoughts.

The most ridiculous, silly, “are you kidding me,” what is this supposed to mean, anyway, and “you live in a house with no mirrors” WORST list. So bad, I’m not even going to do a best list.

Helen Lasichanh. “Do I look fat in this jumpsuit?” “Yes, why yes, you do.”

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It’s sort of the Stay Puff Marshmallow guy from Ghost Busters meets a straight jacket from Bellevue? Where are her arms? How do you eat? (always a consideration in my clothing choices). Are those open toed sandals with white athletic sox, or boots with white tips? Who cares, the rest of this is such a disaster, white athletic sox are the least of it. If this is fashion, I’m out.

Solange Knowles. Because it’s May in New York and it could snow.

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Listen, as whack-a-doodle as this formal down coat gown is, it’s right up my alley. I live in New England, and you have to be ready for December temps in the middle of July these days, and what with our dim-witted prez’s disbelief of climate change, I think this is a damn smart choice. You never know. Plus, let’s face it, I am a girl who hates the cold, so I kinda loves a formal event you can go to in a sleeping bag coat.

Caroline Kennedy and Rhianna. Really?

So what it looks like to me is that Caroline’s dress exploded and Rhi Rhi decided to wear it. Were these two seen together? If not, I think my theory is as good as any to explain these two terrifying pieces. Let’s just call it a flower pas.

Lady Gaga, I mean Katy Perry.

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Veiled in secrecy? The red tide (bride?) The red tent? Red head? Painting the town red? Better red than dead? Ridiculous red–yeah that one.

Maddona (mia), which translates to surprise, but in this case means, “what the fuck are you wearing?”

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Are we going into combat? Are we in camo because it’s a ball in the middle of a war? Is that a backpack she’s carrying? Are those leaves on the side of the dress? Could her boobs be any more “Playtex plastic?” Madonna, you’re losing your war with youth. This is a bomb.

Carly Steel. I don’t know who she is, and judging from that thing on her head, I don’t want to know.

Without the diamond encrusted alien headpiece, this dress is a snooze. In fact, it’s from the Land’s End wedding dress line, if they had a Land’s End wedding dress line. But the hat/crown/karated combat helmet from the Game of Thrones fashion vault elevates this look into classically ugly Met Gala gear. I don’t even know.

There were so many more that were just unexplainable, but we all have jobs, so like, we’ll leave it here. This is so one fashion evening, I am pretty sure I will never understand. But, like anything that takes my mind off of the dismal state of affairs in D.C. is good.