gratitude-a-thon day 54: change

Ok, maybe life doesn’t quite demand you to go from Al Pacino to Audrey Hepburn, but ALMOST.

So, my sister moved to Miami a month ago. Stratight down the coast, and away from me. We’ll find out where my boy will be next September, in a little less than a month but, all indications lead to him being in California, Colorado, or Wisconsin, not a hop-in-the-car to visit, not a one of those places. And the month after September, more commonly called, October, my trainer and close friend will be moving to California, clear across the whole country. THE WHOLE COUNTRY.

We are talking about a major amount of loss. Of course, we’re not talking about a loved one dying, LIKE MY HARD DRIVE, but we are talking about people I am exceptionally close to, leaving my geographical location, and well, my everyday life. This is a lot of change. This is a one,two,THREE punch in the nose. This sucks.

But one thing I’ve learned so far, life is all about change. It’s all about the constant morphing from being one self to being another self. I had my first kid at 35. I had worked before that. I had been in advertising at agencies, full time and freelance. It was difficult to adjust to being a mother of a baby, after being someone who worked out there in the world for so long. (NOT THAT IT WASN’T AMAZING, BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS DIFFERENT.) And then, another baby came. And suddenly, there were two. And I was the mother of a toddler and a baby and full-on into the whole  family thing. And it was AMAZING. SO AMAZING. And I was blown away by the enormity and AWESOMEOSITY of all of it, but It was also foreign, and frightening. And sometimes I would look into the mirror and wonder who I was and where the other person I used to be had gone. And then one day, you wake up and realize that you’re the mom of toddlers. And you’re new identity fits just fine. And you’ve made the transition. But before you know it, those toddlers are pre-teens, and boom, it takes you a while to re-adjust to who you are AGAIN. You give away the cribs and the strollers, and nobody stops you on the street anymore to tell you how adorable your babies are. But you manage to move on, somehow. And then in a lightening bolt flash, they are teenagers. And high school comes, and the mothering you do is far less physical, and much more mental. And BAM, you’re putting on a different identity AGAIN. And this one starts to be about who you will be when they are gone. BECAUSE THEY ARE GETTING READY TO GO. And guess what? You’ve been preparing them for this since they came out of your Vajayjay! This is what you’ve been doing all those years, BUT IT’S SO HARD, YOU CAN BARELY FACE IT. And you just want to lay in bed with a million covers over your head because you wonder what it will be like without them. FOR God’s sake, YOU JUST GOT USED TO BEING A MOTHER!

And this is how it is. You’re constantly being asked to change. And if you can’t do it, you will be left behind. Life will pass you by like a marching band. You will be sitting in a pool of pity and shunned like a high school outcast. Because this is what life is, people. It’s about how well you can accept change and go with the fucking flow. That’s the deal. Can you wear it? Can you flaunt it? It’s not about whether you want it, it’s about making yourself fit into it. Because we don’t always have choice in who we must become.

But here’s the thing, we can do it with grace and wonder. We can be the best  versions of ourselves along the way. And that’s all we can ask of ourselves. To be our best versions and accept our new roles everyday AND SEE WHAT THEY MIGHT TEACH US, WHAT THEY MIGHT OFFER US. That’s my aim. To see how all these situations that terrify me and make me want to lay in the road and wait for a car, can somehow be part of, and enhance my new self. The exhausted self that is always being asked to change.

I’m booking a flight to Miami right now.

2 thoughts on “gratitude-a-thon day 54: change

  1. I am so behind in reading your wonderful blogs. I am starting at the end.
    So what happened to NC? It is drivable and only a 2 hr flight. I guess they need to fly far way sometimes and spread those wings. Remember that Change can bring new and exciting things your way. It does feel like someone died because their spirit is still with you even when they aren’t physically there, but at least like you said, you can still talk to them. You have a way of making things happen. Change will be fun. Miami will be great 🙂

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