How to have the flu when your family is away at a weekend soccer tournament:
1. Make sure you have tissues nearby. You’re going to go through them like you’re going to go through the On Demand movie selections (you will probably sleep on some of the used ones by accident and wake up with one stuck to your head).
2. Have a dog who can hold his bodily functions and understands that you can’t take him for a frolicky walk, because you are having a hard time even making it to the bathroom.
3.Take Nyquil before bed, even though you know if someone broke into your house you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself or call 911, and neither could your dog because he would be using all his energy not to poop on the floor.
4. Make sure to have food on hand that can be eaten without cooking. Hello yogurt & gummie bears.
5. Pull down the shades, especially if the Spring sun you’ve been waiting for during the endless winter is out and you can’t partake.
6. Watch tv, buy books on your Kindle, read the Sunday New York Times. You will fall asleep before you finish any of these, but it’s a fun distraction anyway.
7. Take a hot bath. It feels good on your muscles which feel as though they have been invaded by an army of angry towns folk.
8. Try and figure out how to fill the humidifier without spilling water all over your room. Remember to have your husband teach you how to do this very basic thing when he returns home.
9. Tell Facebook you have the flu. People will rejoice that you have it and they don’t.
10. Just give in. Sleep it off. The mounds of work you have to do will have to wait. The dog will have to wait. The errands will have to wait. You have the fucking flu. Your family will come home and feel guilty that they left you and treat you especially nice for a few days (or at least maybe a few hours).