gratitude-a-thon day 738: unsubscribe me, too

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This essay in the New Yorker made me laugh and then it made me want to unsubscribe too.

Dear Hillary Clinton,

While I have gladly contributed to your campaign, I’m a little worried becasue you seem to spending a lot of time emailing me, instead of going out there and fighting off the likes of The Hair. I mean you’re writing to me two and three times a day, asking me to dinner, your birthday party, even to help you with the debate. So, I think one of us has to be smart, so I am puling the plug on our correspondence. It’s really for your own good.

Dear List-of-friends-whose names were hacked and occassionally send me weight loss tips,

I know your email was stolen from my hacked email, but at the same time, I kind of wonder if you really do think I’m fat. I mean, out of all my email addresses, why yours? We’ve been friends for years, but these emails hit me in the muffin top gut.

Dear Fingerhut,

What even are you? I don’t want to know, just Unsubscribe Me.

Dear AARP,

Please stop sending me snail mail, e-mail and pony express. I may be over 40, but I am not, as you seem to insist, eligible for senior citizen discounts. C’mon. ME?

Dear Walmart,

I have now won thousands and thousands of dollars from you, according to my email. Please feel free to send it directly in a check, money order, or yen, but PLEASE STOP WITH THE EMAILS, ALREADY.

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