I’ve been so obsessed with what’s happening in our country, I didn’t even know the SAG awards were on last night, and only conveniently found out, while on Twitter, at 7:00.
Even thinking of things so frivolous as the red carpet seems silly with all that’s going on politically, but I can’t let the president (not my president, mind you) take everything away, so here we go, damn it.
The Worst, no good, very bad dresses.
Nicole Kidman. Eyes Wide Shut.
Let’s just begin with, there are parrots on her shoulders. Why those parrots did not say to her, in unison, or separately, “you are going to get panned if you bring us with you, we will be waiting here when you get back and you can tell us everything,” I do not know, but this dress was an unmitigated disaster, the likes of the Trump presidency. Yup, that bad.
Salma Hayek. Martha Stewart, there is a prize winning rose missing from the garden in your Connecticut home.
Sometimes when you’re beautiful, as beautiful as Salma, you think, “I can pull off anything,” and pull off that fake-o flower, velvet ribbon and lavender lace ruffle is what Salma should have done before she left the house. This is one ugly dress. This is the kind of thing that should be detained at the airport.
Thandie Newton. When the circus comes to town and you decide to wear it.
So, yes, we know you’re on a super cool hit show called Westworld, and that you thought it was cute to wear a theme dress that would remind everybody of that. But unless HBO is paying you mucho buckos to advertise, this train should have left the station without you on it. (BTW, I almost, ALMOST could live with the whole thing without that Mr. Spock moment on the shoulder. Seriously, is there another Star Trek movie coming out? Did Klingon Nation pay you to promote that, too?)
Did Sofia Vergara go shop the sale rack in the Junior Department at Macy’s?
I think if this dress weren’t tea length and hit the ground, it would be a whole different story, but as it is, it looks like a disastrous tween look. And a cheap one at that. Everybody is all like, “I love that she is giving us something new.” I say, wear what looks good on you. And this doesn’t.
Amy Landecker. Are you high?
As if this mess wasn’t bad enough on Amy, there was someone else wearing it, too! This girl has a totally off-the-charts bod, but this suit is not doing it any good. It looks sloppy, and cheap. It’s too tight and doesn’t look fun, or different, just ugly. I would, however not be surprised to see Sean Spicer in this at some point. He’s got an, um, style all his own.
And the red carpet A-listers.
Kaley Cuoco. Oh. My. God. I died and had to be revived when I saw how beautiful this dress was.
This gorgeous confection is everything. EVERYTHING. If I owned it, I would wear it everyday for the rest of my life.
Natalie Portman is in a class by herself.
Natalie is beautiful and young, but she is pregnant and instead of flaunting her bump, which is the au courant way of handling the red carpet when you’re with child, she is covering up and channeling the style star she plays in the movie Jackie. She looks just lovely. And BTW, I have a 90% accuracy rate in guessing what flavor baby a woman is having, and I vote Nat’s having a girl.
Gina Rodriguez. Virgin rounds the bases.
I just love this dress. It’s flirty and easy. It fits in a seriously flattering way. She looks comfortable and natural. Score, Gina.
Kerry Washington. Scandalously gorgeous.
This dress is white hot. Fabric is fabulous. The sleeves hit at a perfect place. Hair is simple and accents the off-the-shoulderness in just the right way. And there is a safety pin on her shoulder. Here’s what she said about that on Instagram: “I’ll be wearing one of these tonight. On my arm. To show solidarity. We will not stop fighting for our safety & the safety of our fellow citizens and human beings”. #NoBanNoWall #safetypin That’s what I call really beautiful.