It was the best of clothes, it was the worst of clothes.
Actually, nobody is even talking about the clothes, they’re talking about the cray, cray Hollywood ending of the Oscars, when Warren Beatty, puzzled by the writing on the winner of his Best Picture ballot, handed it to Faye Dunaway for a consult, who, thinking Beatty was trying to get laughs, took a look at the card and read out “La La Land.” The whole cast came to the stage, thrilled and celebratory. The speeches began, but approximately 90 seconds later, technical people from backstage, rushed the proceedings and expressions change, as one of the cast members announced that it was really Moonlight that had won! He kept saying, “This is not a joke. This is real.” And really, who could believe it? Was Beatty that old, that he could have confused the words La La Land with the words Moonlight?
The Moonlight cast walked tentatively up on stage, as the La La Land cast crawled back to their seats and Warren Beatty explained that the ballot has said “Emma Stone, La La Land,” which is why he had been slow to read the winner, and that he had not been trying to be funny, and which was why he had handed it to Dunaway in the first place, who didn’t see Stone’s name, wasn’t confused, and cavalierly called out the wrong movie as a best picture in an Academy Award’s first. Apparently, the wrong envelope had been given to Bonnie and Clyde, but it’s clear they’d already been scarred by this caper.
Dragging, at almost 11:30, and down three people who’d left for home, the three of my co-watchers and I were as flabbergasted as the rest of Hollywood. It was like the moment in Chinatown, with Jack Nicholson and Faye Dunaway where Dunaway says, “She’s my sister, she’s my daughter, she’s my sister, my daughter. SHE’S MY SISTER AND MY DAUGHTER” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnrdetFAo1o).
Someone royally fucked up last night. But I have digressed enough, let’s get to the fabulous and the flops.
The worst, and there were some doozies, alright.
Dakota Johnson, Gucci, Gucci Ewwwwwwwww.
This was some historically significant dress, but may I just say that I thought it looked like she was in a casket being waked? Clearly beautiful fabric, but there isn’t a grade low enough for this get-up. That flat-to-her-head one color hair, the I’m-so-pretty-I-don’t need-make-up face, she looked embalmed. Although even the embalmed generally look more alive than this. Ugh–fifty shades of failure.
Janelle Monae had a hidden figure.
This girl is just beautiful, but this was a Nutcracker, Mother Ginger moment. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FWgmSJzp8M). And that’s all I’m going to say about that. Except for one more word, “why?”
Scarlett Johannson. Was it Lost in Translation?
I think ultimately, this dress was just too big in the boob area. I know Scarlett has some major girls there, but there was too much dress to accent her decolletage and it just ruined the whole look. Plus, pretty as she is, I’m just not into that hair. Plus, plus, I don’t like a belt, trendy as it is, on a formal gown.
Charlize Theron. Did nobody go to the tailor for this show?
So, maybe it’s a trend–this having too much fabric to cover your boobage, but here’s the thing–it’s not flattering. It just looks like you didn’t have enough time to have your dress properly fit. I also found her hair underwhelming. That tuft on the top–flop.
Jessica Biel, you are not Oscar.
Maybe she was trying to mimic the tiny statuette, but this look was a no-go for me. Aside from the distressed gold lame (and yes, I meant to leave the accent mark out–because it was LAME) fabric, which was all sorts of wrong, I hated this Tiffany spiked diamond bib necklace with this dress. It looked a little like a hula skirt. I don’t know, this just didn’t do it for me, plus she looked like she couldn’t move too well during her husband’s fabulous opening number.
Chrissy Tiegan, not legend.
This dress was entirely too tight. She even said so, on the carpet. She was bulging out of it. It might have been ok, if it fit, but not even really.
Felicity Jones. This didn’t fit, either.
Aside from looking like she was going to a prom, this dress was too big. Were all the tailors in Hollywood on strike this year, or WHAT?
Naomie Harris. It’s short, it’s long, it’s La La Land, it’s Moonlight.
She’s one bee-u-tiful girl, and I love this dress, but it was meant to be long, all the way around. Beautiful hair, killer shoes, but damn it, if only they hadn’t cut the front, she’d be on the other list.
And the girls who did it up right.
Kirsten Dunst, unlike Janelle Monae, was not a Hidden Figure.
Much as I like color on other people, if I was going to the Oscars, there’s no doubt, I would go with the most tried and true color, slenderizing, always sophisticated, and a bonafide hit–basic black. I just LOVED this dress. She looks fabulously comfortable, and who doesn’t just want to marry a pocket? The fit was sheer perfection, her hair was tousled exactly right. The shoes were GORG and that necklace was just the accent. This look was 2400 on the SAT of fashion.
Viola Davis was red hot.
Oh. My. God. Drop DEAD gorgeosity from hair to toe. This dress was bold, but easy at the same time. She looked confident and like the winner she is. She so deserved her Oscar, but she deserves another one for this look. And I can’t say enough about her hair–it was the perfect complement to this killer dress. How to get away with FABULOUS.
Nicole Kidman. Finally, she’s BAAAAAAAACK.
After wearing a number of bizarre and totally UGLY dresses during this award season, Nicole was back on track with this sparkly column dress of mandalas. I wish it had been a slightly darker shade, but slam, dunk, done and done. Namaste, Nicole.
Octavia Spencer. True silvery Blue.
I thought this dress was perfection. The whole look, in fact. Octavia is not a size 2, but I’ve always wondered, why can’t you still wear a beautiful gown if you’re not the same weight as a Barbie doll? This answered my question. She looked stunning.
Emma Stone sparkle.
I am so influenced by hair. Weird, right? I thought this look was a hit mostly because I liked her hair. I mean, it’s a beautiful dress, but she is so pale and the dress is so pale, but the hair, totally becoming on her face, and a color that picks up the darker parts of the dress sold me.
Sonny Pawar is big on style.
That face. This kid is off the charts in the category of adorableness. And the shoes. Well, the shoes were the whole deal. Roar.