Last night was the King of the Jungle, the Manolo Blahnik, the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee of Award Shows: the Oscars. So, let’s get on with the fussing, the mussing and the cussing and get right to fashion lashin’, the clothing loathing, the who ones who looked like they were dressed for Halloween, and those who got it perfectly right.
Let’s start with the sisters who just go to show that having money does not mean you have taste:
Salma (What the) Hayek (are you wearing?)
From the chandelier crystal sleeves to the sad color and flammable fabric, this dress is a Glamour Don’t from head to toe. Only if you told me that Trump would step down as president if I wore this, would I.
Sister Maya Rudolph, let us pray.
My friend Yvette texted me while Ms. Rudolph was presenting to ask me if she’d purchased this at The Handmaid Tale’s Outlet. I responded that yes, yes, she must have and I hoped it was half price.
Nicole are you Kid(ding)man me?
I think this dress looks superimposed on Nicole’s body, like it’s not real, like it’s a Jessica Rabbit thing. And that fabric looks so stiff it could walk the carpet on its own.
I love that at least she made an effort, so devoted to comfort clothes is Whoopi, but this is just a tortured mess of fabric and are you kidding me with the black Spanx/Cami/T-shirt that is covering her cleavage? And speaking of cleavage, could she have not worn some support for the girls? They are crying out for help.
Haley Bennett almost got mowed down on the carpet.
I think this is actual sod. Sod that didn’t do well and had to be picked up off of her yard, while her stylist was taking a meeting at her house and said to Haley, “Hey, I know, let’s be all eco-friendly and make your dress out of this.” This is all I can think of, because WHY ELSE?
Queen (of comedy) Tiffany Haddish
Wait, is she from Wakanda? No, she’s not, she’s on the worst dressed list.
Let’s be (Emily) Blunt, this is ugly.
Dug out of her closet and repurposed from the prom she was forced to attend with her cousin Leonard because her boyfriend abruptly broke up with her when he saw the dress.
And the wondrously gorg! The beautifully perfect! The girls who got it so damn right.
Margot Robbie hits a fashion triple axel, triple toe combo to score a 10.
I’m not sure what Margot could wear to ruin her effortless beauty, but this dress was soooooo good. Paper-thin flowy fabric, a beautiful and simple cut with just a little bit of zhoozh. So smart to keep this gorgeous face fresh and clean and the hair simple.
No need to Wonder Woman, you look amazing.
Gal Godot just looks smashing. This dress is fun. The fit is perfect and it lights up the whole damn room, just like her smile.
Mary J. Blige keeps killing it on the carpet.
Mary’s transformation from a singer to a singer and actress has included a total style upgrade. Everything she wears is really well thought out and fits her perfectly. This dress is no exception. I absolutely love it.
Eiza Gonzalez wears an awful color and still looks better than everybody else.
I don’t like yellow. It’s too harsh, too bright, too just plain wrong, but this dress on this body is everything good in the world.
Greta Gerwig gets it right for once.
All hail the only female director in the bunch. And all hail her dress, too. Greta is not a fashion icon in my book, but this look was numero diez. Her hair was a little old Hollywood wave, with that dark lip enhancing it, and the dress is just easy and effortless. Let’s face it, I have never met a flower I didn’t like.
Looks like Jennifer Garner is done being sad over Ben leaving.
If looking good is the best revenge, Jen wins. Back from a public divorce and looking better than ever, I hate this color, but love this dress and her strong and confident hair and makeup. Yup, this one is back.
Lady Saoirse Ronan
How adorable is she? I just love this look. It’s sweet and oh so simple. She is young and fresh and looks it.