gratitude-a-thon day 2086: SAG red carpet fun

I’m back. Trashin’ the fashion at another award show from the safety of my couch. But first, Brad and Jen. Jen and Brad. We’re living for this, aren’t we? And of course, her nipples. They deserve their very own un-SAG award,  but I’m getting ahead of myself, so on with the worst, the cursed, my lips are pursed, as I dive into the Glamour Don’t of the SAG awards.

Patricia Arqu-ant and shouldn’ t have.

The top of this looks all Johnny Cash, the color red when side-by-side with black screams Italian restaurant wait staff. In The Act, she played a mom who suffered from Munchausen by Proxy, and I’ll tell you, this whole thing made me sick.

Lydia Deetz grows up and goes to the SAG awards.

If you say Beetle Juice three times, he appears. Well, it’s too bad Winona Ryder didn’t because maybe old Beetle Juice would have told her to ditch the rags and put something else on. What a disaster, from the “wings” on her shoulders to the poorly fit jacket, this was one hot mess, although I guess there are Stranger Things.

It takes real talent to make  Margot Robie look bad, high five to her stylist.

This is one of the most naturally gorgeous women on the planet, but honestly, it’s like the stylist thought, let’s just see how awful I can make her look and see if anyone will notice. We did. Maybe without the lame bow/belt at the waist? Maybe without the silly necklaces on top of the already elaborate neckline? Maybe some hair that wasn’t flat to her head without one piece dripping down?

Cara Buono, no Bueno.

Hey, Cara, you’ve got something, um, right there, oh, and right there, just get that piece, over near your boob, oh, there’s another one right over there. And there. And, yeah, um, let me get you the lint roller.

Lights out, Allison Janney.

She’s so tall and sinewy slim, just made for a floor-length dress, but not a lampshade. No, even this beautiful bod can’t pull off a lampshade.

I don’t know who this is, but now I know where my maid of honor dress from 1985 went.

The first time I became incapacitated from back issues was in 1985 and honestly, this is the dress I was supposed to wear in my best friend’s wedding. Whether I hurt my back subconsciously so I wouldn’t have to wear it, or not, is a question. But life-long spine issues might have been worth not having to sport this thing, don’t you think?

Offpink.

I love her. I love her so much, but this looks like a peignoir from the “we made the wrong color and so we’ve slashed the price” fashion line at Goodwill.

Modern Mess.

Sarah Hyland is young and adorable, but this super short bow laden dress looks as though she got some flowered toilet paper stuck to her behind that she had to drag along all night.

Gwendoline Christie is pregnant, but did she bring other kids with her, too?

This is the funeral dress of Mother Ginger, the old woman in the Nutcracker with all the kids under her dress who comes out at the end of Act I.

Nicole are-you-Kid-ding-Man?

She always gets it right, but not last night. She looked downright matronly and that’s not how you want to look when you’re presenting with Margot Robbie and Charlize Theron.

Jenna Lyons is a fashion director. (Of what?)

This is Jenna Lyons, the Old J. Crew Creative Director & the SAG Fashion Commentator. Was she preparing for the show so diligently, she had to pull down the drapes and make herself a flight suit because she was sky-diving after the show? Because I can’t think of any other reason she’d be wearing this.

And the best were really good last night. So much better than the Golden Globes.

Ann & Delores Not Dowd-y!

I watched the show last night with my sister, brother-in-law, husband and bestie, whose sister is Aunt Lydia, Ann Dowd. Ann is the nicest and most un-her characters person imaginable. And her mommy, is absolutely adorable and hilariously funny. It was a blast to see them, and get some texts from Ann. At 87, Delores killed the carpet!

Jennifer Aniston and her, uh, “friends.”

Well, last night was Jen’s. And this dress was a classic Aniston, simple, curve-hugging, luscious fabric, with the ability to highlight “the girls: during her speech. I loved her hair, her simple jewelry. She knows how to dress. (And of course,  I wonder if she and Brad undressed last night. I hope so.)

Michelle Williams slam dunk.

After her Globe’s global fashion disaster, down the court comes Michelle Williams hitting a 3-pointer. Dress, hair, make-up, all on point.

Joey King of the Black Dresses.

I love this from top to bottom. The fit is perfection, simple, but glam, too.

Zoey Kravits wins the Audrey Hepburn award.

Channeling Audrey, Zoey can do no wrong. I mean, put this girl in a Glad Trash bag and I’m with her. But this, despite being a color I don’t love, worked soooooooo beautifully.

Turquoise Johannsen slayed.

This looked like plastic, satin. It was molded, but not. The fit was like a second skin, but also not tight, somehow. The color was wow, and she vogued the hell out of it. I’d never choose this dress, but it was a freaking 10.

Charlize Theron and her diamond part.

Ok, aside from the fact that she had a line of dimaonds down the black part of her hair (she said she didn’t have time to dye it, so her stylist bedazzled it) which, even though I never met a diamond I didn’t LOVE, I didn’t love this look, but her top and skirt, now that I did love. Modern, fitting, gorg.

Tell me your faves, your worsts, your how-could-she-possibly’s.