Today is my birthday and as a gift to myself, I will do everything the way I want to do it. I will eat my favorite foods, and take a little more time with my hair, and wear something that makes me feel good, and spend time somewhere doing something that makes me happy with people I love. Oh yeah, and at least 1,290,223 times today I will marvel at how the years are flying by and I cannot believe I find myself at this undisclosed age, which I will then promise will not diminish me, damn it!
Anyway, my point really is that wouldn’t it be nice if we treated ourselves like it was our birthday every day, instead of just once a year? Wouldn’t it be nice to do the little things that make you feel good on the daily? i don’t mean to devour a cake Monday through Sunday, I just mean to take the time to make choices that fill you up and respect you, rather than force you to slog on through, tripping on all the unenjoyable events of your day, instead of giving yourself the attention you deserve. Call the friend and talk to them, wear the shirt you’re always saving for special, watch the guilty pleasure tv, take a break during your work instead of working straight through, stretch your body, do a five minute meditation if that’s all your monkey mind (MY MONKEY MIND) can tolerate, exercise in the way that feels best to you. Smile at a stranger. And sweet baby Jesus, put on some lipstick, lip gloss, lip balm, whatever the fuck we’re calling it these days.
That’s my birthday resolution, do we have birthday resolutions? I don’t think we do, but I think we should. I am hereby going to be nicer to myself every day instead of once a year. I am going to be more thoughtful with myself. I am going to enjoy more and detest less. There. That’s the best gift I could possibly get, (oh and that surprise Chanel bag from my family was pretty good, too). Happy birthday to me. Grateful for another year.
Award season is upon us, and we here at the gratitude-a-thon Department of Fashion (meaning me here at the gratitude-a-thon Department of Fashion) are here for it. Why? Because distraction is good. Say it with me, DISTRACTION IS. GOOD. It is. Pure and simple. So, giddy up, I’m getting on my critic-y horse and heading for the Hollywood hills.
Oh dear. Once again, the data for money and fame not being able to buy style are here and clear.
Devry Jacobs. The suit? The dress? The suit? The dress?
So, I get it. It’s a statement that we are all both. That we are all a little bit man, a little bit woman. Or that we might be male, and pretend we are female. Or that we are female in body, but male in mind. Or that we are male in spirit, but female in form. That we are not concerned with style, and we will go on a red carpet looking fucking ridiculous.
Anya Taylor-Joy teaches us the body parts.
On the runway it was called “The This is my Vagina Dress.” Pass the underpants.
Quinta Brunson. Don’t make me call your mother.
Damn, she looked so good at the Golden Globes and then she shows up wearing this absolute F-. The fit of the silver dress is lovely. Imagine if that black shit weren’t floating all around her, she’d be killing it. But as it is, she gets a failing grade. And a detention. And a suspension. And honestly, I am considering an expulsion, but this is pending the next award show.
Clair Foy, Ohboy.
She’s already so pale, did we really need that white band at the top? She looks a little like she just came off the beach in Waikiki and wrapped herself in a Hawaiian sarong. Not to mention, what’s with that caboose in the back?
Danielle Deadwyler gets into the kitchen supplies.
This is like that dream you have where you’re suddenly going to the Critics Choice Awards, and you realize you forgot to get a dress, so, out of your ever loving mind, you run into the kitchen where you get out the tin foil, which, fortunately for you, is the super big Reynolds Wrap version, and yay, you don’t have to go in your underwear, although it might have been a much better choice.
Sadie’s dress Sinks to the bottom of the pack.
It’s not really the worst, but……. Is that a Free People bandeau top or a beaded clutch bag under your sophisticated LBD?
Marcia NAY Harden
Giving her everything for her very shapely 63-year-old legs, but the length just looks off trend, and what’s with the bride of Frankenstein veil?
And the good ones.
Sheryl Lee Ralph. Tin foil done right.
I know, she might have gone to the same stylist as Danielle Deadwyler–the one who likes to use Reynold’s Wrap, but this whole look is a showstopper. The fit, the hair, the makeup. She gets an A++++ from where I’m sitting in the classroom.
Niecy Nash You Betts she is no rookie.
It is not easy to dress big boobs. And dress ’em in a strapless number–practically impossible. So, this dress on these boobs is not only a smash hit look, but a gravity-defying feat. I love the color, the soft hair, the whole dang thing is perfection.
Kerry Washington’s Flower Power.
If you know me at all, you know I love a daisy. I have daisy jewelry, daisy clothes and recently I even named my dog Daisy. So, this dress is a big yes for me. I don’t like how flat her hair is, and I wish she had on just a little more makeup, but God, this dress–I wish it were part of my decades-long daisy collection.
Amanda Seyfried goes gold.
This liquid fabric is dreamy. I love the way it falls. Pretty hair and a pop of red on the lip and she is not going to jail for this one.
Elle Fanning is the (Mc)Queen.
I absolutely adore the layers and layers and layers of this dress. It’s formal, yet that pretend rip gives it a super cool vibe. And she gets the perfect hair award for pairing it with that loose do.
Jennifer Coolidge. The Black Lotus.
Jennifer Coolidge has THE stylist to the stars. This black number hugs her in all the right places and her soft hair is much better than The Globes. Yes, I do love a black dress almost always, but this is just made for her body.
A Tuesday night. The Golden Globes on a Tuesday night. Yeah, I know they said it was because NBC has Sunday Night Football, but you know it’s because The lily white Hollywood Foreign Press was being punished. And rightly so. And Jerrod Carmichael, the host, made it really clear in his monologue, basically saying, “I’m here because I’m black.”
But despite the accusations of racism, and trying to right them, i continue on the journey of judging the style mistakes of the rich and famous from my couch, while wearing an H&M black tank and my flannel pajama bottoms with the Indian-inspired elephants on them. Who better, I say?
Ok, and who did not slay.
THE WORST
Heidi Plume, I mean Klum about to do the double axel–(hint, she missed).
Ok, listen, I give her every single thing for having that body, that body that’s given birth four times and has been around the sun 49 times and still looks like it came from the mannequin stock room at Bergdorf’s. However, this does not mean you can throw on a longer version of an ice skating dress and an ombre ostrich. Even those long and perfect, not-a-drop of cellulite-to-be-found legs are going to save this one. Score: The judges could barely give her a 1.
Claire Danes is in Trouble.
My friend Karen texted me this morning,”Remind me not to buy ‘70’s upholstery and sew it onto a dress and then add a clip-on bow from my 2nd grade dance recital.” I’m going to remind her, in case she ever shows up at my house in the likes of this, because, well, isn’t it obvious? I kept trying to remove the bow with my eyes to see if it made a difference, but then my eyes felt like they were being burned out by the ugliness and I stopped.
Elizabeth Debiki: A Royal Scandal.
For someone who depicted the likes of a style icon like Princess Diana to show up in a dress so ill-fitting, she should have to apologize to the palace. In person. In a better dress. Is this column dress being held up by that one empire waist tie? This is grounds for Harry to write another chapter in his book entitled: People Who’ve Imitated my Mother and Failed.
Anya Taylor-NO Joy
I am well aware yellow is now a color we’re going to be pretending to like, but does one not have to take into account their own coloring? This banana-cut-in-two dress is shapeless and makes Anya look even more washed out than all those dead people in The Menu.
Ana de Armas is good from the neck up.
I am always amazed by this girl’s beauty. I mean, how do so many good features wind up in all the right places inside the womb, when there are so many ways to go wrong? And speaking of wrong, this dress. I feel like it was a perfectly nice black dress and Ana was having her living room wallpapered and was standing in just the wrong place and well, you see where I’m going. Time for a style reno. And I’m not talking about her house.
Michelle YeOHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO.
I LOVE the top portion of this dress. And no, I wouldn’t have wanted her to wear it that short, because that would be silly and so Heidi Klum, but, I would have liked the flounce to continue, or to have at least had the volume of the skirt remain. I’m just not a fan of this shape. Her necklace almost convinced me that this should be on the best list, because it’s THE BEST, but nope, it just looks like it’s trying to be Everything All at Once. (By the way, this woman is 60, just to point out the total bonkers shape she’s in.)
AND THE DRESSES THAT MADE ME FEEL RIDICULOUS TO BE REVIEWING IN MY PAJAMAS.
Almost lost by a hair, but Jennifer Hudson’s dress was golden.
I don’t know what went wrong with her hair–too blunt and shapeless, but this dress, this dress was an absolute 10 for me. The fit is perfection. The color is apt. The shape gives her body the applause it deserves. American idol.
Jenna Orgetga: Wednesday on Tuesday.
It’s a little bit goth, it’s a little bit rock and roll. This dress flows like a river. It hangs just right. The hair is cool, the necklace is hip. It’s Wednesday all grown up and killing it.
Quinta Brunson: style that’s elementary.
This little bundle of talent is 4’11 and that can make it hard to dress. But no problem here. She totally makes the grade in this gorgeous tulle number. I particularly like the top. The fit is spectacular. I did see her tugging it up a bunch of times, which I imagine was her way of preventing a Janet Jackson Nipplegate situation, but it only made her more lovable and easier to relate to. School of style.
Jennifer YOU’RE JUST SO COOLidge
I gotta say right up front, I HATE THE HAIR. She had such enviable do’s on White Lotus, but this hair was a Morticia Adams look-a-like. However, I adore the dress. Now, let’s just point out that this is not a tiny woman. She is just a tad thick in the middle and she has some very big boob-aloos, but this dress does a lovely job of packaging it all up into a cool, age-appropriate (she’s 61) red carpet slay. Her stylist Gaelle Paul is packing heat.
Li Jun Li gets a gold in silver.
What is not sublime about this? What is not impeccable, amazing, 100% fucking PERFECT about this entire look? From the simple top knot to the second-skin fit, to the jewelry and blingy bag, this is what I call a 1,903,987 on a scale of 1-10,
Ok, tell me what you liked, hated, made fun of, want. Go!
*the gratitude-a-thon 