the golden (and much more colorful) globes gray carpet rundown

A Tuesday night. The Golden Globes on a Tuesday night. Yeah, I know they said it was because NBC has Sunday Night Football, but you know it’s because The lily white Hollywood Foreign Press was being punished. And rightly so. And Jerrod Carmichael, the host, made it really clear in his monologue, basically saying, “I’m here because I’m black.”

But despite the accusations of racism, and trying to right them, i continue on the journey of judging the style mistakes of the rich and famous from my couch, while wearing an H&M black tank and my flannel pajama bottoms with the Indian-inspired elephants on them. Who better, I say?

Ok, and who did not slay.

THE WORST

Heidi Plume, I mean Klum about to do the double axel–(hint, she missed).

Ok, listen, I give her every single thing for having that body, that body that’s given birth four times and has been around the sun 49 times and still looks like it came from the mannequin stock room at Bergdorf’s. However, this does not mean you can throw on a longer version of an ice skating dress and an ombre ostrich. Even those long and perfect, not-a-drop of cellulite-to-be-found legs are going to save this one. Score: The judges could barely give her a 1.

Claire Danes is in Trouble.

My friend Karen texted me this morning,”Remind me not to buy ‘70’s upholstery and sew it onto a dress and then add a clip-on bow from my 2nd grade dance recital.” I’m going to remind her, in case she ever shows up at my house in the likes of this, because, well, isn’t it obvious? I kept trying to remove the bow with my eyes to see if it made a difference, but then my eyes felt like they were being burned out by the ugliness and I stopped.

Elizabeth Debiki: A Royal Scandal.

For someone who depicted the likes of a style icon like Princess Diana to show up in a dress so ill-fitting, she should have to apologize to the palace. In person. In a better dress. Is this column dress being held up by that one empire waist tie? This is grounds for Harry to write another chapter in his book entitled: People Who’ve Imitated my Mother and Failed.

Anya Taylor-NO Joy

I am well aware yellow is now a color we’re going to be pretending to like, but does one not have to take into account their own coloring? This banana-cut-in-two dress is shapeless and makes Anya look even more washed out than all those dead people in The Menu.

Ana de Armas is good from the neck up.

I am always amazed by this girl’s beauty. I mean, how do so many good features wind up in all the right places inside the womb, when there are so many ways to go wrong? And speaking of wrong, this dress. I feel like it was a perfectly nice black dress and Ana was having her living room wallpapered and was standing in just the wrong place and well, you see where I’m going. Time for a style reno. And I’m not talking about her house.

Michelle YeOHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO.

I LOVE the top portion of this dress. And no, I wouldn’t have wanted her to wear it that short, because that would be silly and so Heidi Klum, but, I would have liked the flounce to continue, or to have at least had the volume of the skirt remain. I’m just not a fan of this shape. Her necklace almost convinced me that this should be on the best list, because it’s THE BEST, but nope, it just looks like it’s trying to be Everything All at Once. (By the way, this woman is 60, just to point out the total bonkers shape she’s in.)

AND THE DRESSES THAT MADE ME FEEL RIDICULOUS TO BE REVIEWING IN MY PAJAMAS.

Almost lost by a hair, but Jennifer Hudson’s dress was golden.

I don’t know what went wrong with her hair–too blunt and shapeless, but this dress, this dress was an absolute 10 for me. The fit is perfection. The color is apt. The shape gives her body the applause it deserves. American idol.

Jenna Orgetga: Wednesday on Tuesday.

It’s a little bit goth, it’s a little bit rock and roll. This dress flows like a river. It hangs just right. The hair is cool, the necklace is hip. It’s Wednesday all grown up and killing it.

Quinta Brunson: style that’s elementary.

This little bundle of talent is 4’11 and that can make it hard to dress. But no problem here. She totally makes the grade in this gorgeous tulle number. I particularly like the top. The fit is spectacular. I did see her tugging it up a bunch of times, which I imagine was her way of preventing a Janet Jackson Nipplegate situation, but it only made her more lovable and easier to relate to. School of style.

Jennifer YOU’RE JUST SO COOLidge

I gotta say right up front, I HATE THE HAIR. She had such enviable do’s on White Lotus, but this hair was a Morticia Adams look-a-like. However, I adore the dress. Now, let’s just point out that this is not a tiny woman. She is just a tad thick in the middle and she has some very big boob-aloos, but this dress does a lovely job of packaging it all up into a cool, age-appropriate (she’s 61) red carpet slay. Her stylist Gaelle Paul is packing heat.

Li Jun Li gets a gold in silver.

What is not sublime about this? What is not impeccable, amazing, 100% fucking PERFECT about this entire look? From the simple top knot to the second-skin fit, to the jewelry and blingy bag, this is what I call a 1,903,987 on a scale of 1-10,

Ok, tell me what you liked, hated, made fun of, want. Go!

8 thoughts on “the golden (and much more colorful) globes gray carpet rundown

  1. sitting at Logan Airport dealing with FAA craziness (flights cancelled, delayed, rescheduled) and feeling a bit grumpy about missing scheduled meetings in DC — but I must say, this gave me a great laugh — as always, lever, spot on , and entertaining.. Hope you are well.. Mindy

  2. Thanks always for doing this! I get such a kick out of your spot-on descriptions. I agreed with every choice for Best and Worst. I’d love to add one line to your Jenny Orgetga critique, if I may. You said “ a little bit goth, a little bit rock and roll” and I’d add “ a little bit Arabian Jeannie! Hope you like it.

  3. Yes, just finished “Wednesday” tonight (which happens to be a Wednesday). I didn’t see the Globes but your critique is always so much fun to read and you nail each one! Never having seen Ortega in anything but black, the salmon/pink/mauve/rose color was great!

  4. Absolutely love your commentary and agree with all your choices. I also do think that Angela Bassett knocked it out of the park… but not everyone can make your list 🙂 Hope you’re well xo

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