I’m sorry, why did we change the red carpet to “Champagne?” Has anybody seen Joan Rivers, because she likely rose from the dead to protest this one. It’s the RED CARPET, Hollywood. But, I digress, welcome back to the flannel pajama follies, from my couch, back East, where we are expecting a winter storm and I am longing for the warm California sun. But don’t get me started on the weather–no, really, don’t. It’s judgment day. so let’s get into it.
Were there bad dresses? Is Hailey dissing our beloved Selena? That’s a an eighteen wheeler sized YES. And here they are.
YOU’RE THE WORST. NO, REALLY, YOU ARE.
The Carpet Doesn’t Match the Drapes.
Need I elaborate? There’s no debate. It’s not Grandma Gilda’s condo in Boca, It’s THE RED CARPET.
Elizabeth Banks on a Dress Nobody Could Pull Off, but Somebody Should Have.
She musta partied with Cocaine Bear to maneuver this multi-layered monstrosity. This is like one of those kid’s games that comes with 1,000 pieces to keep them busy. She’s probably going to have to wear this next year too because nobody can figure out how to get it off.
Heidi Klum: CHEEP, CHEEP. NO ANIMALS WERE INJURED IN THE MAKING OF THIS DRESS.
How many exploded Peeps were blown to smithereens to create this look, Heidi? You should be ashamed of yourself. Easter Bunny: take note.
Melissa McCarthy Made me see Red (and way too much of it).
This isn’t about Melissa not being stick thin. It’s about her not being Hollywood savvy. This dress is just too damn much fabric. Is there a small Italian village living under her skirt? There’s certainly enough room for one. Or two. Or three.
SURPRISE: Dianne Warren Wears a Black Suit!!!!!!!!!
Listen, I’m all about finding your signature style. Like me and my flannel pajamas, for instance. But if I see Dianne in one more black pants suit, I’m going to sing one or all of her songs. And believe me, NOBODY WANTS THAT (Let’s just say I have the kind of voice where even my shower head asks me not to sing when I’m in there……)
Zanna Roberts Rassi: When the Fashion Commentator Becomes the Fashion Victim
Well, the best thing that could have happened here would have been for those wings to have flown this schemata off of Ms. Rassi before she walked out the door. When you’re the one rating the looks, at least make sure you’re not wearing something even you’d have to put on the worst dressed list.
Harvey Guillen Fucks with a Classic Tux
I love me some Christian Siriano. He’s all about diversity in fashion–all sizes, shapes and colors. But this, from his new Plus-Size Menswear line, was just too much: too much brocade, too much fabric, too much ugly.
Jennifer Connelly and Louis Vuitton Make a Bad Pair.
Is Jennifer Connelly so jaded she had to wear a bejeweled bib?
Zoe Saldana forgets to go to the fitting.
Give me a minute here–I loved this dress. But nobody paid attention to the fit of the boobs. When she was being interviewed, the top of this pretty little frock was drooping, and not kidding, flapping in the wind. Put some balloons in there, who’s got an extra pair of socks for Zoe’s bra? Anyone, Anyone, Bueller? If you can’t fill it out, don’t wear it out.
EVA Too LONG and Ugly ORIA
It’s like that lace tablecloth your grandmother always tells you she’s going to leave you in her will married a disco ball. It feels too big and overwhelms Eva’s tiny frame. Not buying it, and she shouldn’t have either.
Tems, in her View-Blocking, Wedding Dress.
The balls Tem needed to sit down and block the view of the people behind her must be the size of the fucking Grand Canyon. Also, after your wedding, shouldn’t you go your receptions and not the Academy Awards? This dress would have made the other list, but it lost by a head (piece). I think it’s incredibly beautiful from the shoulders down, but as it is, it and the wearer are on my fashion naughty list.
The Blah of Blanchette.
My husband said it best, “Is she wearing a tarp?” I think it is, granted it’s a dreamy fabric tarp, but a tarp nonetheless. Sooooooo underwhelming, not to mention matronly.
It’s White, no it’s Black, no it’s White, no It’s Black, no it’s Mindy Kaling.
There’s no debating that Mindy Kaling has stepped up her fashion game after her weight loss. (Can you say Ozempic?) I mean, she really looks fabulous. But what’s with this peek-a-boo-birdcage-ab-bearing-weird-wings hanging-from-her waist dress? I didn’t like it in white, but then it came out in black. And let’s face it, by that time in the show, you’re wondering if you’re tired, or did Mindy Kaling have someone color her white dress in with black magic marker during the break? I don’t get the whole thing but it’s black and white for me, I don’t like the dress in either color.
Jessie Buckley and her Game of Thrones dress
Sure, a cool juxtaposition between the hip hair and the Victorian-era-looking dress, but get rid of those stupid hot air balloon sleeves and then let’s talk.
Harry Shum: A Crazy Rich Asian?
When your Karate School has prom.
Salma Hayek: Curves Ahead, but no Magic.
Did they have to smother Salma in oil to get the top of this dress on? It was too tight for comfort–including the audience’s comfort. And the skirt is like a cheerleader’s pom pom for a stripper.
Have I ever told you how much hate I have for a nose ring you wear between your nostrils? No matter how pretty, cute or adorable you are, a nose ring just never looks good. But that, of course, is the least of the problems here. This is a really beautiful dress, but as it’s worn, it just looks like high-end sheets are artistically wrapped around a shorts unitard you’d wear to yoga. At some point, the shorts and mile-high platforms were not visible and the dress looked like a dress, and I was fully onboard, but that wasn’t the idea for sassy Ms P. It’s a worst for me.
Enough of the bad, although honestly, there were MORE. Let’s go to the looks that made even the beige carpet look good.
EMILY, Let me be BLUNT is PERFECTION IN EVERY WAY, PERIOD, THE END, SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.
The minute I saw this dress, I filed for divorce so I could marry it. This Valentino has it all–a sleek and impeccable fit, a simplicity that’s understated but stupendous, a color that stands out, even on this not red carpet. The hair is pitch perfect, the earrings are a amazing, and her makeup was flawless. I give her a 1,938, 332 out of 10.
Denai Gurira. This Dress Forever.
I’ll just say up front, I didn’t like her Leaning Tower of Pisa updo, but I do like why she wore it. She said about her hair, “This is my African self coming out here, you know, a tribute to the women who carry amazingly things on their heads with an astounding poise at all times.” But the dress, the dress is everything everywhere all at once. That raw hem at the neckline is stunning and the fit and cut are alarmingly good. I love the styling, keeping it all very simple. This is as good as it can possibly get in my fashion bible.
SANDRA OH no gets an OH yes.
I don’t think Sandra has ever worn anything that lives up to her talent on the red, I MEAN CHAMAPGNE carpet before, but last night, was a whole different story. Not normally a color I’d gravitate toward, but it felt lush and fresh at the same time. The draping was drop dead perfect. The fit was excellent. Even that ugly necklace worked. Way to go, Sandra Oh.
Nicole Kidman. The Woman Who Never Gets it Wrong.
Nicole is just one of those women who gets it right over and over again. And last night was no exception. I loved the loose hair and lack of major jewels. The fit here was just like it always is, just like Nicole always is–PERFECT.
Cara Delevinge has a leg up.
Some people are just born beautiful and Cara is one of them. This dress was a show stopper. The volume was attention-getting, but not overwhelming. The hair and makeup were ideal. This was a red hot winner.
Mala Yousafzai is smart and stylish.
If you ever wondered if you could wear modesty on the red (OH FUCK ME, CHAMPAGNE) carpet, Malala and Ralph Lauren showed you how to last night. Sophisticated and gorgeous. Blingy, but not bare. She may just be gunning for the Nobel Fashion Prize.
Jamie Lee Curtis Screams Ageless Beauty.
I don’t LOVE, like I’d sell my house to buy it, or I fainted when I saw it, this dress, but I do love that 64 year old Jamie Lee lets herself be a mature adult woman who wears her wrinkles and her rhinestones with a fucking boatload of confidence.
Michelle Yeoh, Yeah!
At 60 years old, Michelle looks like a fairy princess all grown up.
Halle Bailey, The Little Mermaid, I Mean Style Star.
I have never met a piece of tulle I didn’t love, so this dress was calling my name. And the fit was exceptional. Yeah, she’s the new Little Mermaid, but she looked like a Princess to me.
Rhianna Glows, without a rhinestone in sight.
Oh baby, Rhi Rhi just knows how to dress with or without a baby on board.
Stephanie Hsu, I love you.
The color of this dress made me gasp. Rich, yet simple, this gathered skirt was a very colorful slice of heaven. Is love too strong a word? Nope.
The Ageless Angela Bassett
Again, at 64, an adult, but spectacular look for the queen. She’s brought it all award season and last night she did it again.
Ana De Armas, wears a Little Mermaid dress.
I went back and forth on this dress, but ultimately, it’s beautiful and so is she. I wish there had been more contrast between her skin tone and the color of the dress, but her hair, which I wore in 8th grade, never looked so good.
Lady Gaga Not Dressed Up, Dressed Down.
Lady Gaga was all Red Carpet Red lipstick and dressed to kill, but when she came out to sing her song, Hold My Hand, she had scrubbed her face clean and changed into ripped jeans and a tee and she never looked more beautiful or stylish in her life. This was a bold move and one I really appreciated.
Ok, let’s hear it–what did you love, could have lived without? Let her rip!
One thought on “Live from The Oscars Champagne Carpet: It’s ME (on the couch)”
Spot on about the carpet and most of your rants and raves, but some comments: So true about Dianne Warren, but I did find her shoes fascinating. Give Harry Shum a break. Most men don’t do much with a basic tux, but I liked the waist belt as a nod to the movie and culture! Really liked Zoe Saldana’s dress, but see what you mean about the boob fit. I liked Eva Longoria’s dress, but you’re right that it overwhelms her; and a little too much boob cleavage for me. Loved all your likes but one: not a fan of Sandra Oh’s dress. Not sure why though. Thanks for acknowledging Jamie Lee’s dress! She’s always been brave about being her age; and I thought she looked lovely! As always, thanks for doing this! You’re always honest and a hoot!