gratitude-a-thon day 3008: And the envelope says……

While Daisy and I have been recovering from being hit by a car seven weeks from tomorrow ago, we’ve been busy watching about a billion movies, including every one that was nominated (which isn’t such a big deal because I usually do that every year), but it is, sadly, one of my biggest achievements in the past month and half!

So, like that was a pretty compact show. Not a lotta waste, or filler. High points: Billie Eilish singing What Was I Made For was literal perfection. I do the goosebumps thing every time I hear that song.. And of course, the leaked and much anticipated I‘m Just Ken sung by none other than Ken himself, Ryan Gosling, delivered like Amazon. What a party that was. I mean, an Oscar history-like event. And seeing Greta Gerwig jamming, was everything, since she was so clearly snubbed in the Directing Category, which I will forever hold against all my friends in the Academy (who total zero)! And having past actors who’d won the main categories was a great addition. It was fun to see and hear those people speak directly to the nominees. Question: Why Sally Field, who is adorableness incorporated, have to dress like a Midwestern granny, (with all respect to Midwestern Granny’s) instead of her cute self? I thought Kimmel did a solid job, too and kept things running smoothly. All in all, a good show.

But that’s not why we’re here, now is it–to review the show–it’s to review the clothes–so let’s get into it,

From the Dinosaur Age comes Cynthia ErivNO.

I’m no palaeontologist, but the designer of this dress was born 66 million years ago. Inspired by nature, and the era–let’s just call this get-up the Uglyasaurus.

Emily Blunt, Pull yourself up by the Shoulder Straps.

All the beautiful beading, that gorgeous cut, the dozens and dozens of diamonds–SLAY, but then the straps were levitating. LITERALLY LEVITATING ABOVE HER SHOULDERS. Do I give her credit for being oh so fashion forward. NOPE.

Sandra Huiller as the Evil Sister Bertrill.

“And taking off on runway eight is the star of Zone of interest and Anatomy of a Fall, who is flying, because when it came to getting dressed for the Oscars, she missed the boat.”

Ariana (THE DRESS WAS) Grande (BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY).

Is this what Ken has between his legs, a pink penis? I think it could be. Seriously, someone check inside Gosling’s pants.

Liza Koshy did not Sweep me off My Feet.

So not falling for this–I mean don’t her shoes resemble a piano Liberace would have played? If the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t wear it.

Erika Alexander–I wish this were American Fiction.

Sooooo much wrong here, I have to take a minute to prioritize…..let’s start with the necklace from a Claire’s at the Mall. You were in a big movie, you can’t get Cartier to give you some diamonds? Now, let’s just say that we start off with a nice white column dress, but then someone went to Frederick’s of Hollywood and found an apron that was Naughty Homemaker with a cupcake frosting hem, and all fashion hell broke loose.

Fran Can’t Dres (c) her (self).

Oy, maybe it’s the stupid looking 60’s hair, or the top handle handbag, but this just looks to me like the Nanny’s about to go grocery shopping. I can just hear her grating voice now…..”I’ll have a half pound of the provolone.”

And here we have the shining fashion stars, who either have innately excellent taste themelves, or innately excellent taste in choosing a stylist. Either way, these are my picks for the best of the night.

Kirsten Dunst and Jessie Plemmons: The Perfect Couple.

For me, this is too good to be true–they both look amazing at the same time. Plemmons looks like he’s lost a lot of weight, after being pretty puffy for the past bunch of years, and wearing a classic tux, WITH NO FUCKING BROACH ON IT ANYWHERE, speaks to my inner critic in the kindest way. And Dunst, aces the simplicity of a white column dress, with her beautiful blonde hair falling in a natural yet elegant do, topping this whole gorgeous look off with a red lip. This, for me, is everything and a bag of chips. And if you know me for five minutes, you know how I feel about potatoes.

Doggone it, this is Good.

This was Daisy’s pick. Because she’s a girl dog and Messi is a boy dog, I personally think she has a kind of a crush on him because I don’t see anything that’s really so special about his clothing, but then Daisy IS sporting a haircut that makes her look like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz, so maybe she gave him a jealousy vote.

America, The Beautiful.

I actually gasped when I saw this dress on the girl who will forever be known for her universal Barbie monologue. The fit is a stunner. I mean, I’d say it looks painted on, but that usually means too tight, and this wasn’t too tight, it was a Goldilocks moment of being “just right.” It hugged her curves, but in an ideal way and the color, well, you know, this was the last show giving a shoutout to the year to of Barbie, and so, yeah, pink was just a perfect way for her to celebrate. Standing Ovation for a look that musta turned every Ken’s head.

Seems like I’m standing by myself with this pick, but I think we’re talking cool, hip and sophisticated. Look at that modern hair, that oversized pant, with the fitted gold and silver top and simple necklace. I am all about this effortlessly 2024 cool girl look.

Nancy Drew star Leah Lewis solves the Case of What ETHEREAL looks like.

Ok, the front of this dress was short, and wrong, but the back of this dress is like an optical illusion of what I imagine Barbie Heaven must look like.

D’Vine Joy Randolph is both Devine and a Joy.

THIS. THIS is a woman who knows how to dress. Let’s just discuss the degree of difficulty here. D’Vine is living in a world where a size two is considered ENORMOUS, so you can imagine that the options are pretty slim pickings, no pun intended, for a woman with some curves. She has consistently, except for the threat of NippleGate at the Golden Globes, knocked it out of the gosh darn stratosphere as she made her way down every red carpet she was on this award season with grace and well fitting, fucking gorgeous style.

Barbie, I mean Margot.

Sadly, even Barbie herself knows the party’s over with this black column dress that’s simple and perfect, and decidedly not pink. I mean, there’s just not much you could put on this woman that she could not make look like a Glamour Do.

Jon Cena Made an Oscar’s Envelope Look Good.

You had to have real balls to do this, and gosh, he almost showed them to us. But I mean, look at that bod. Yeah, some of the Best Dressed weren’t dressed at all.

Carey Mulligan is Barbie in a Different Dimension.

Ok, hear me out. Carey is the epitome of grace and elegance. She is understated and tasteful and I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say I think she defines the word “perfect.” She’s Barbie, but Elevated. I can only imagine her Dream Home, her Ken, and her aspirations.

TELL ME WHO YOU LOVED, HATED, COULDN’T BEAR TO EVEN LOOK AT. I WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS. BRING IT!