the grammy’s red carpet – *the gratitude-a-thon

You thought I was going to be whining about the snow, didn’t you? Ha! No snow re-cap, when there’s fashion to be bashin’.

The bad, and Jeesh, there was no lack of it.

1. Madonna. This is bullshit.

Ok, her body is banging. The girls are up and at ’em, her legs look strong, and she’s 57, BUT SHE’S 57, and she’s dressed like she’s in the Ferdinand book I used to read my kids. It’s the Grammy’s, not the running of the bulls. (Note to self: buy ass-hoisting garment next time you’re at Bloomingdale’s ass-hoisting garment section.)

2. Jane Fonda, “One, two, three, kick”

I am so all for keeping it young. I don’t think you need to dress like you’re 77, when you’re 77, but you should also not dress like you’re in the Disco show at The Bellagio. Look at that body, it’s still Jane Fonda Workout-worthy, but are you kidding me with this jumpsuit? We could have used a little more plain, Jane.

3. Not Lady Gaga over this dress.

The Lady has fallen off the relevance map, although I love that she’s now making music with Tony Bennett. Seems like she was going for class, but she just came off as crass. Kind of digging the sandals, though. The Egg Dress was better than this.

4. Kim Kardashian. “Really Kanye, do I have to go to the Grammy’s, I just want to get into my pajamas”

Looks like Kim just said screw it, and threw on her jewel encrusted bathrobe. She got home and didn’t even have to change before bed.

5. Katy Perry, Yeah, um, no.

I never expect much from Katy, because half the time she is not going for couture, she’s going for cartoon. The thing is, that she’s really pretty, and I think she was going for really pretty here, but somehow, it just didn’t work out. Part of it is the belt, which has no place on this dress. The other part–the shoes, which she wore with an old bridesmaid’s dress, maybe? And then, of course, there is the hair. If it’s not found in nature, people, it really shouldn’t be on your head.

Jenny Lewis, for Skittles.

Someone got a tye dye kit for Christmas. That is all.

And the best.

1. Rhianna. I am a sucker for tulle.

I know she looks pregnant. I know it’s a big pink ball of cotton candy. I know it is actually the color of Pepto Bismal. I know she might have been hiding some fans who didn’t have tickets and wanted to go to the show, underneath, but somehow it worked, and I fell a little bit in love with this dress.

2. Jenifer Hudson

Ever since she lost weight, this girl has been styled to perfection. ABSO-FUCKING-LUTE PERFECTION. Simple, cool, flawless. This is how you do it at The Grammy’s.

3. Nicki Minaj, Most Improved Award.

Hot damn, Nicki Minaj kind of blew me away last night. That’s a great dress. That’s some appropriate make-up. This was kind of crazy good.

4. Guiliana Rancic. Music to my eyes.

Ok, I know she’s not a musician, but she was on the carpet, so she’s in. To me, this is so Grammy’s. She just looked super cool. And the Grammy’s should be about super cool.

5. Annie Lenox. Because she is a star.

I know it’s simple, but I love that it frames her face, and is so in keeping with who this woman is. It’s not a costume, it’s not outrageous. It’s fucking Annie Lenox. And you don’t get hipper, than fucking Annie Lenox. All hail.

Music people have a set of fashion rules which don’t apply to other red carpet events. Because, you know, there is fashion and there is looking good. And music folk like to do fashion. But no matter what, I always go for looking good.

And here we go.

People who clearly did not have mirrors, or who thought they looked hip, but didn’t deliver, or just plain looked absurdly dumb.

1. Paris Hilton. What’s she doing here anyway? But if you’re doing the Grammy’s, how about you wear something that looks like you’re going to a super cool music event, not a sleazy debutante ball. This dress is like a combination hooker goes to the prom with stripper gets married for the fourth time. The hair alone, is like a bad 1950’s housewife ‘do, but add that high collar and she looks like a pampered poodle being walked on 5th avenue. She’d a been lucky if that neckline had choked some sense into her before she left the house.

2. Chrisette Michelle. Oh dear. Oh no. The ways in which this outfit is not working are so numerous, I don’t have a big enough keyboard. This is Boca Raton, assisted living facility-wear. It’s one of Steven Tyler’s leisure suits (which he usually pulls off, I might add). The only thing I like is the bra. And if she’d been smart, she’d have taken off the whole thing and worn that with her panties and probably have been on my best dressed list.

3. Natasha Bedinfield. Blech. Shapeless and lifeless, ain’t nothing celebratory about this shmata. Sale rack at the Dollar Store.

4. Daft Punk. I guess I just like to see a man’s face at a red carpet event, you know? I mean, is that too much to ask?

5. Madonna. You don’t get to wear your son as an accessory, Madge. And to think, once upon a time you ruled this show.

6. Pharrell Williams. I love this dude’s music, but Pharell, what’s with the Dudley Do-Right hat, man? And if you’re going that route, maybe give us the rest of the Canadian Mounted Police uni, instead of the top portion of Tony Soprano’s track suit (may he rest in peace).

And now for the music to my ears.

1. Jane Roper and Alistair Moock. The local peeps get my top spot! From right here in Boston, Alistair Moock, and his smarty pants and adorable writer wife hit the carpet looking awesome. Love that dress, Jane, not to mention the Linda-Hamiton-in-The-Terminator arms. And The blue tie and pocket square are spot on. And what I love even more is the album nominated that Alistair wrote for, and with one of his twin daughters, Clio after she was diagnosed with leukemia in 2012, Singing Our Way Through: Songs for the World’s Bravest Kids. Check it out at: http://www.moockmusic.com. These two know how to dress, but they’ve also got style. In the very best way.

2. Guiliana Ranic. I hate to give my number two spot to an entertainment reporter, instead of the entertainment, but this dress was too good to pass up. The fit, the cut, the color, her hair, her make-up, she looked smoking. the whole damn thing worked and worked. I really, really, really liked this dress.

3. Miguel. I just thought this guy looked super cool, in the most comfortable way. I loved the proportion of the jacket, and the boots are great. I just dig this whole look. Way to do the Grammy’s.

4. Anna Faris. This dress is plain and simple, but fits beautifully. It’s not too skimpy at the top, which so many strapless dresses are, and I like the little train. Thanks to the “mani-cam” I got a little crush on that bracelet/ring deal, too.

5. Taylor Swift. Hard to get it wrong when you’re this young, tall and gorgeous. I love the simplicity of this dress and hair. Sophisticated youth. It’s good. Really good.

6. Katy Musgraves. Ok, the boots are just dumb, but I have to say that when she wore this dress on stage, I gasped. It’s so cute. And she had on other shoes when she won, so the boots weren’t an issue, but I can’t find a photo of that. This dress is wildly colorful and a big fat party. For me, it was one of the best looks of the night.

7. Chrissie Tiegen. Wow. Wowza. Wow-er-ama. This is stunning, like over the rainbow, more or less perfect in every possible area. Not too much boobage, no competing accessories, and loving the simple hair. In my imaginary life as a singer, I’d wear this.

Tag: the grammy’s red carpet

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