gratitude-a-thon day 213: knowing what looks good on you and what doesn’t

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C’mon Khloe, I know Lamar is said to be on drugs, but you’d have to be too, if you think your hair looks good.

I’m sorry, but the whole ombre hair thing just looks like you dyed your hair, it grew out and you either decided you were cuter as the old color, or you realize you’d rather spend the “dyeing your hair money” on jewelry. Either way, we are talking one sad and ugly situation. And while I’m at it, and discussing hair that makes me want to wear eye patches, what about the ladies who dye their hair to rid themselves of gray, but don’t do it for like months past when they should, and then walk around like a skunk. Is there a woman on the planet who thinks anybody can take her seriously with a white stripe that often looks like balding, running down the middle of her head? Ladies, let’s be kind to our audience.

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Dye your hair or don’t dye your hair. Commit, will ya.

And as long as I’m on a bit of a rant here, and trying to distract myself from the fact that Jake leaves in two days, shouldn’t we be keeping our lipstick on our actual lips? Do not color outside the lines, here kids. This is not the place. And what about this fall’s thigh high boot trend? These aren’t just over the knee, which I”m good with, these are clear up to your thigh. I don’t know, I’m thinking I don’t just need a sweater to go with these, I also need a stripper pole.

Tibi - Runway - Fall 2013 Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week

Yeah, um no.

And guess what, velvet’s back in. I just fainted. Velvet just reminds me of a 10 year old girl on Christmas with a black velvet dress and her hair half up and half down with a big ribbon in it. There are mary janes and missing teeth. I will not be wearing velvet this fall, thanks. Apparently green is in, as long as it’s not Celtics-green, I might be able to fold this into the mix. Leather is big. Which I love and already wear a lot of. But also in, are all white ensembles. I love this look, but I always feel as big as Frosty the Snowman in an all white situation.

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Me in all white. I don’t think so.

I mean, white doesn’t have the same slimming effect as black, now does it. Plaid is also trending this fall. I just hear bag pipes when I see plaid. And then I start wondering if those guys have underwear under their skirts or not. Lastly, there is the oversized winter coat. Once again, I’m not buying it. I am all about warmth in the winter, but if my husband, two kids and dog can fit inside my coat with me, I’m not thinking it’s that flattering. But one of my long time faves, turtlenecks, are back. Applause. I love the simplicity. I love the ease. I, like Nora Ephron, love the way it hides my neck. And so it goes, another season of trends that will be passé in four months. Pick and choose wisely. Trends are only as good as they look on you. I’m grateful I know what will likely work for me, and what won’t (and those looking at me are lucky, too).

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I’ll be rocking the turtleneck this winter. Just like Nora.