gratitude-a-thon day 321: It was only a dream


I just had the most real-feeling, terrifying and all-together awful dream, that I’m still groggy and as scared as a five year old who believes there’s a monster under the bed. And get this, I woke up, told Peter because I was so freaked out, went back to sleep and CONTINUED HAVING THE SAME DREAM. I’ve tried to do this when I’m having a particularly good dream (kissing a gorgeous guy, marrying George Clooney) and I’ve never been able to. It figures that when it’s a scare-the-pants-off-of-you dream, I could do it.

Anyway, I went to the doctor for a stomachache, which I’d been complaining about on and off for a while and I found out I had advanced cancer, of something the doctor didn’t identify, except to say that it was in my stomach region. There was no treatment options, just “You’re going to die. Soonish.” I was absolutely stunned. the dream continued on to include telling Jake, who didn’t really react, thinking about how to tell Ally, but not telling her, walking around and thinking about what I would miss, and waking Peter up to ask him if I’d dreamed that I had cancer, or if I really had it. He gave me a groggy nod “yes,” which made me shiver, and realize that this was honest-to-goodness true and not a dream. ISN’T THAT ALLSORTSOFAWFUL?

Then I woke up, confused and REALLY woke up Peter and told him about the dream. I got my bearings and realized it was indeed a dream. Then, and this is unusual for me, since it was 5:30, when I’d normally just get up, I fell back to sleep and FELL RIGHT BACK INTO THE CANCER DREAM. In this chapter, people were telling people about it. A guy from high school, Alan, who I knew since I was a little kid, appeared and gave me a big hug and I told him that I thought of calling him because I was dying and I had known him my whole life. My friend Karen was also in the dream and she brought me cheese and gin, and a card signed by a whole bunch of people in my town. And then it was decided I would have surgery and have a whole bunch of stuff removed. But this wouldn’t cure me, so I’m not sure why I was having it done. I knew that would be the start of my demise. Then I was in some snow bank/house, and one of Ally’s unidentifiable friends rode her bike over in the snow and a soccer uniform to see if Ally was home. And then I was thinking about planning the surgery so it didn’t coincide with my friend Deb’s hip surgery (which is actually real). At some point I was dancing at a party to Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies,” but it turned out to be a line dance, and I didn’t know how to do it, and the whole thing stopped, except for the two people who knew the dance. And then I went back to my table, which was one of many long tables filled with people who had on weird clothes and I think might have been from high school, at a reunion, maybe. And I realized that I needed to start thinking about dying. And where I would be going (!)  And then I WOKE UP AND WAS SO FUCKING GRATEFUL THAT THIS WAS A TWO PART NIGHTMARE AND NOT REAL LIFE THAT I PRACTICALLY YELLED HALLELUJAH loud enough to wake up everybody in all 50 states.

3 thoughts on “gratitude-a-thon day 321: It was only a dream

  1. holy crap – could it have something to do with your upcoming birthday?? Ageing??

    ugh – double whammy going back into the dream. Yuck. Shake it off girl — shake it off.

    1. can you believe i had a part 2? so spooky, terrible, horrific. really terrifying. ah, my birthday. you might just be right. good thinking. ok, i’m getting out my calendar, before i get another year older…..

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