gratitude-a-thon day 322: The police are back and there are arrests

The Screen Actor’s Guild Awards were on last night and you know what that means. RED CARPET FASHION ALERT. I have policed the area and come up with the following violations and sitations.

And here we go with my “Money does not equal taste” list.

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1. Mariah Carey. Wait, really? Mariah, 1980 called and they want their dress back. And how did you find the shoes I wore on interviews to get my first job after college? And if you’re going to wear a dress this ugly, at least make sure it fits. And I’m not going to mention that you look like you packed on a few pounds, because I’m not that kind of girl, but let’s just say you did, then I think you could have found something more flattering to wear. This is not a vision of love, it’s a vision of outdated ugly.

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2. Mayim Bialik. I know that orchid is the “it” color this year, but this dress is all sorts of wrong, as in not pretty and not flattering, and did I mention wrong. My advice: fire the stylist, and all of your friends who let you leave the house like this.

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3. Kerry Washington. While everyone deserves a misstep, I’m shocked at this one from the reigning queen of perfect. I know she’s pregnant, (what do I live in a cave), and that makes it challenging to dress, but as Olivia Wilde showed us at The Globes, you can look off the charts showing off the bump. Not preggers, this would be adorable, with baby on board, it just looked shapeless.

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4. Julia Roberts. This woman has no taste. Just plain NO TASTE. For starters, the Pepto Bismol color is enough to make me puke. The cut does nothing good for her body. And the secret, that it’s pants, is wasted because you don’t know unless she spreads her legs, and in that thing, who would want her to?

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5. Sufe Bradshaw. I love me a crown, but she just looks like the queen of the bad fit. The girls look saggy, the stomach looks poofy, the length is just plain too long. The Veep would be disappointed.

The Best

There were so many dresses I liked at this show, but I’ll keep it short and sweet, becasue it’s Sunday.

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1. Lupita Nyong’o. All hail this girl’s sense of style. I wondered how she would top her gorgeous red caped dress from the Globes, but damn if she didn’t do it. When I saw her, I gasped, momentarily lost consciousness and then sat with my mouth hanging open laser staring at this vision of complete and total perfection (admittedly, I should probably get more of a life). The color, the fit, the necklace-y part. And of course, the perfect good sense to not wear any accessories. This isn’t just the best dress of the SAG awards, it’s one of the best dresses EVER.

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2. Jenifer Lawrence. As baggy and bed sheet-y as her Globes dress was, this dress was the exact opposite, giving a big old hug to every curve. Even her hair and make-up look better. She looks young and hot and pretty. She did say it gave her “vagina underarms,” but it was worth it, Jen, you scored big in this little number.

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3. Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She never does it wrong, always looks fit and age appropriate, pefectly edited and completely gorg. She’s 53 people, and she rocks the carpet consistently. She plays the Veep, but I say she should run for president of style.

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4. Rocsi Diaz. I’ve never heard of this woman, but I know she knows how to dress. This is super simple, beautifully fitting and for me, a gosh darn pefect 10.

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5. Camila Alves. Talk about golden. She is killing it on the carpet this year. I want to sleep on this fabric. What a beautiful drape on her body . And what a body it is.

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Honorable mention goes to Julie Bowen, who, for the first time ever on the red carpet, looks stunning. I don’t like the dress, but she looks good in it. And it is about a ten hundred million times better than anything she’s ever worn before. Did she read my Globes blog post on her? Glad I could help.