With all this snow, I’ve been a little house-bound, so I called Mother Nature to see what the hell has been going on (you get crazy during times like these, and yes, I figured she was likely busy, but why not try). Amazingly, she was available.
ME: Mother Nature, thanks so much for speaking with the gratitude-a-thon.
MOTHER NATURE: You’re welcome, and you can call me MN.
ME: So, like, what’s the deal with all this snow? Just have a break up, or something? You seem angry.
MN: Well, you might just look at your water consumption to answer your question, Miss Tude-Athon. Do you realize what all those Smart Water and Poland Spring bottles are doing?
ME: Wait, so this is about me, and my bottled water habit?
MN: Well, climate change is real, or are you too busy reading that raggy Huffpost to have noticed? By the way, what happened to the Huffpost, it used to be real news, now it could practically be mistaken for The National Enquirer.
ME: I know, Arianna has lost her grip. And good God, what about Brian Williams? But back to the snow. So, you’re saying this is due to climate change? That’s why we have like 60 inches of snow out there?
MN: What are you a Kardashian? Um, yes, that’s why.
ME: No wonder it’s started to feel personal. So, no break-up?
MN: I didn’t say that.
ME: Well, if I break up with my bottled water, will you consider wreaking your anger in a healthier way?
MN: I will consider it, but he was from Boston, so I don’t know.
ME: Well, just an FYI, all this white makes you look fat. And you know, looking good is the best revenge.
MN: Fat? (Screams) “Mothers Little Helpers–Call off the snow, it’s not making me look good.”
ME: Well, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. You’ve cleared up a lot. If only you could clear up my driveway, my porch, my walkway, and the icicles threatening lives that are hanging from my house.