gratitude-a-thon day 703: red carpet fashion alert: the emmy’s

You knew I’d be here for the red carpet wrap up. And let me say, some of those dresses should have stayed wrapped up and never seen on a person. Jeesh. Let’s go, giddy up.

The worst, because, well, it’s just more fun.

Big Bird, I mean Heidi Klum

If this were a submission on Project Runway, Zac Posen and Nina Garcia would be in full on cardiac arrest. Tim Gunn would be sweating like a menopausal woman, and the ultimate conclusion would be a, “I’m sorry Heidi, but you’re out. Alvederzane.” I can’t even. Really, don’t ask me to, because I can’t.

Joanna Newsome, or NOsome

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So, look at the top part without the underskirt. If you look at it just right, it looks like a chair. Is that a floral bib? Did she forget to take that off after she ate lobster? Does she have another nicer dress underneath? Is there a train? She should get on that train and ride it on outta there.

Danielle Brook, bad Taystee.

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I love this actress, but not this dress. It’s not the shape, it’s the colors. It’s like a three ring circus. Verdict: jail time. No parole.

Christina Hendricks (NEVER GETS IT RIGHT.)

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This is a gorgeous woman. Can nobody in the world give her a dress that makes her look young and beautiful? Everytime she hits the carpet, it seems to me her boobs dictate the whole show. Is there no way to dress those bad girls that allow her to look young and fresh? Matronly, mumsy, I’m going to go ahead and say it, OLD. I’m mad, man.

Sophia Vergara, Va Va Doom

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Sophia always gets it right, and let’s face it, when you look like she does, it’s hard to get it wrong, but this dress did not fit in the boob area. It was too big, and it sort of folded. Fit is everything, girl. And this did not.

Jamie Alexander, Do not adjust your tv, this is just ugly

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I really hated this dress. It’s like when the tv goes all haywire. Not good colors together. Not pretty. Not fun. Not sexy. Not on my watch.

Taryn Manning, Morticia called and she wants her dress back stat.

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I do not want to be reminded of the year Angelina brought her brother and kissed him on the lips and all hell broke loose, and that’s what this dress makes me think of (that and the matriarch of the Adams fam). Did I mention, I hate this?

Lauren PreponDERANCE OF UGLINESS

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This is such a beautiful dress. Great color, perfect fit, especially in the tata area, it was all just so good, but then on her way out of the house, because it was 106 degrees, she thought, “I might get cold, I should grab a bullfighter’s shrug,” and boom, prisoner of awful.

Clare Danes and the no good, very bad hair day

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I like this dress. It’s cool, modern, and edgy. But really, that hair is like the worst thing I’ve maybe ever seen at an awards show. I actually thought they might freeze the whole red carpet thing, like they do on that Discover commercial, when the woman loses her card, and have a hair team come out and re-do it. I can’t even BELIEVE it. Still. Still. Ask me tomorrow, and I will still not believe it.

Judith (did not) Light (it up)

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Judith Light is 66. Her body is red hot, but this work blouse seems to be from back in the day, when she worked in advertising on “Who’s the Boss.” I’m into the skirt, and I like her make-up, but the blouse is a big, fat, unfashionable disconnect.

Zoe Ka(n’t) zan

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My eyes hurt. I am dizzy. I am getting drowsy, I am getting drowsy, oooops, and I fell asleep. It’s a candy striper who can hypnotize you.

And on to the best.

Sarah Hyland High

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She hit the carpet early, and I kept waiting for someone to beat out this look, but nobody did. This dress was sublime. The simplicity and lines were heaven. The straps were something I’ve never seen. Super cool. Great hair, perfect makeup. She might play dumb on Modern Family, but she’s got in going on in real life.

Julianne Hough scored

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First of all, I think Julianne Hough, judge on Dancing with the Stars, and incredible dancer herself, can do no wrong, because she is just beyond in the beauty category. But I think this dress is really fabulous. Love the hair, too. She gets a 10 in my book.

Padma Lak(ed nothing)shmi

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On tv this dress looked like it was a size too small, but still, it won me over. That color is undeniable, and the shape of the dress is just gorgeous, not to mention the fabric. Love this. Red lip perfection, too.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus should be president

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This woman always, always, always does it just right. Simple lines, perfect fit (doesn’t hurt that her body is fucking amazing), Want to marry the gorgeous earrings and bracelet. You can’t trump this.

Taraji Henson KILLED

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The hair, swingy and shiny, the shoes, the makeup, the dress. All of it was so damn right on. She would look good in a pile of dirt, but I really thought she hit it out of Hollywood.

Ann Chlumsky, Flower girl

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What you have to know about me, is that I LOVE A FLOWER. I think this dress is adorable. I love her hair. I’m in. She should be vice prez to Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ prez of fashion.

Maggie Gyllenhaal is at the ball

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The red lip was wrong, but I LOVED THIS DRESS. The cut, that woweeee purple. The back was heaven, too. no “honourable” mention here, she’s the main attraction.

Kiernan Shipka(‘s boat came in)

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On anybody else, in a store, or the pages of Vogue, this would not work for me, but on this girl, with that hair, at that age, it’s just adorable. She is so good at being fashionable and age appropriate. Fashion icon in the making.

Regina KIng (of couture)

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Not a great in a picture, but in real life (I mean on tv) it was just lovely. Low back, simple, great earrings. BEE-U-TI-FUL.

Jamie Lee Curtis

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Is it special? Have I seen it before? Yes, and yes. But I love it. And I love Jamie Lee for being so good with her age, and just rocking the whole older woman thing. Lust worthy bracelet, too.

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