gratitude-a-thon day 766: writing it down, giving it up, starting again


Another new year is on the horizon. See it, just over the mountains, ok, just over the traffic on 128, but it’s there. DO YOU SEE IT?

There’s a so much pressure to make resolutions, isn’t there? To commit to ink, be it from a pen, or your computer keys, what it is you will change, do better, smarter, when that ball drops in Time Square and we go from writing 2015 to writing 2016, although if you’re like me, you’ve got at least three or so more month of writing 2015, before you remember to write 2016.

I am all about resolutions, but usually about 24 hours after I toil at creating my list, I break one or two , if not more of my pledges to be a more perfect Toni (AS IF). I mean, I see that brand new calendar waiting for me, and I want to start fresh, stop doing some of the annoying things I do that don’t work for me, and turn over a new fresh leaf, but I don’t know if it has a thing to do with relolutions. I think it’s less in the wrting, and more in the action. See, the older I get (which seems to go along with this whole new year’s thing) the more I understand instinctually how to make something change. (Here’s the secret: you do it differently, or in some cases, you just fucking do it)

The other day my sister and I were talking about the difference between strategy and motivation. I realized after we spoke that most of the way I get shit done is by motivating myself and not by using strategies. For instance, I have had a painful back problem since I was in my early 20’s. To keep my back strong is one of the ways I can help not to have pain episodes. I hate pain so much that i will exercise to stay out of pain. It’s a very convincing motivation. Boom. There it is. If I put on a few pounds, I motivate myself by getting on the scale, or putting on my jeans. If the numbers are up, or my jeans don’t zip, I am motivated to slash my calories, and stop eating potato chips (SO HARD), because I really hate being fat. Like, really hate it. It makes me feel awful about myself, even though politically, I don’t want it to. Plus, if I can’t fit into my clothes, I would have to walk around naked, and that would just really be embarrassing for EVERYBODY.

Anyway, I like the tradition of writing down the stuff you want to ditch, and burning it in a fire place, or a bonfire, or just with a match (this last one is tricky, so be careful). I hope to do this exercise on December 31. It will motivate me to say goodbye to the crap, and hello to the stunning, hopeful, bright and shiny new day.





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