gratitude-a-thon day 822:oscar red (NOT BLACK) carpet

My GOD, some of last night’s dresses were seemingly chosen with a blindfold on, in a dark room. And by the way, what the hell hapened on E! last night? There were like four interviews and they cut to a line-up, including Kris Jenner, who sat around a room grading PHOTOS of the red carpet appearances. Guessing ABC, who now does a red carpet show too, shut them down, but nobody told ME! Shall we get on with it.

Heidi Klum, The color ugly, I mean purple.

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This reminds me of something Mary Tyler Moore might have worn to bed in The Dick Van Dyck Show. Sometimes I think Heidi is fucking with us. “I’m so freaking hot, I can get away with wearing anything, and people will think it’s fashion.” Busted.

David Bowie, I mean, Sandy Powell

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E! online saw this get up from behind and thought it was Tilda Swinton. And of course, you can see how that could have been, but it was a pretty big gaffe on Ross Matthew’s part. Not, of course, bigger than this totally horrific and complete ugliness. I mean, I’m not sure even Bowie would have worn this back in the day. There’s homage, and then there’s hot mess.

Amy Poehler, Inside Out disaster.

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Somehow I can’t imagine seeing this dress and being all, “That’s the one, that’s my Oscars dress.” It’s too casual, it’s too drab, it’s too much fabric, it looks like she could take off on a winged adventure. And before she arrived, she should have.

Olivia Wilde-ly unnatractive.

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Hard to pull off without a wardrobe malfuntion, so I’ll give it to her for having the perfect boobs for this dress, but I hated this bland, trying-to-be-sexy-but-missing-by-a-mile look. And the milkmaid hair just made me want hot chocolate–did the Swissmiss girl have braids?

Jennifer Jason Leigh’s right boob explodes.

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The color washed her out, the skirt had “bad bar mitvah dress” written all over it, the word “dowdy” comes to mind, but it was her right boob that really got me. It was bursting forth with poofy flowers. Is it Breast Flower Awareness Month?

Daisy Ridley looked better in Star Wars.

I loved Rey’s clothes in The Force Awakens. They were sexy, modern, and feminine. It’s too bad, The costume designer didn’t dress this perfectly fresh faced, totally beautiful actress last night.

Mindy Kaling and a cape that’s trailing.

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Mindy always slays. But last night, was an exception. She looked poured in, tied up, and just bad. I also noticed that her lips looked Kylie Jennered, something I would not have ever expected from Mindy. You’re going to have to get back up on the horse, girl.

And the best. Which were pretty great.

Jennifer Lawrence is a Joy.

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Wow. Whoa. Wahoo. This dress is everything I love. It’s black, it’s fenimine, it’s got lace and tulle, and fits in the most perfect way. And her hair. Her hair! Simple, sexy, smashing. I was not a fan of her red Globe’s dress, with the big necklace, and I absolutely couldn’t bear looking at her hair that night. But this look, from head to toe, is a 25. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen on a red carpet. ANYWHERE. EVER.

Charlize Theron, Mad (Max) for the dress.

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When you’re 5’10, you’re already ahead of the game, in terms of being a great clothes hanger. But this simply cut, red frock rocked the carpet. That beautiful diamond pendant was just right, too. I wish her hair was looser, or slicked back, but this was a show stopper.

Saiorse Ronan and the wearin’ of the green.

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Way to go in the category of effortless GORG. Top to bottom stunning.  The hair is young and carefree looking, and the makeup is sexy and sultry, but not too much for a 21 year old to pull off. This dress fits beatifully, and the color is lovely, because of her fair skin, and because of the nod she was giving to her homeland.

Spotlight on Rachel McAdams

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This is a beautiful dress. Simple, even though the back is anything but, it comes off as subtle. She kept the accessories to a minimum, and the hair is not stealing the show. Spot on, Rachel.

Naomi Watts that you’re wearing so perfectly?

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This is beautiful. It fits like that glove did not fit O.J. It shimmers, it shines, and looks like she was born in it. I’m pretty sure the necklace made Liz Taylor rise from the dead.

 

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