the bad-it-tude-athon red carpet: day 2073

Ok, that was one of the ugliest red carpet’s ever. I cannot unsee what I have seen. My eyes are asking for rehab this morning.

The Worst. No, really, THE WORST.

Gwendolyn CHRIST-ie

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So, this looked like something Jesus might wear to dinner, or like the last supper, for maybe a formal event, a black tie wedding or you know maybe a dressy holiday work party with the disciples.

Kendall Jenner. The When-You’re-a-Model-You-Can-Wear-Anything Hoax.

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She’s long and willowy and gorgeous, but c’mon, this get-up–I’m not buying it. And I’m also not buying it. The dress part is pretty, but the latex turtleneck with the dress part is a definite nuh-uh. Michelle Pfeiffer called and she wants the top half of her Catwoman costume back.

Greta Lee, The green queen.

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Greta looked like she just parachuted in from Emerald City. Dorothy, why didn’t you tell her? 

Dasha PolancNO.

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Everything was going swimmingly, and then someone decided to put these pink wings on the poor girl. I’m guessing she wished she could have flown away.

Christina Applegate was dead to me.

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I love Christina. I love her so much, it pains me to say how terribly bad this dress was. But did nobody look at her boobs before she left the house? It’s that sheer-fabric-over- solid-fabric thing that can happen.

Amy Adams. From funeral to red carpet.

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Condolences to the family. This black peignoir was the worst.

Vera Farmiga for The Conjuring.

So, it turns out that Vera took her inspiration from a movie she made a few years ago. And yes, it was scary.

 

Zowie Kazan, can that dress.

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I feel like that black dress under there was good, but then the clowns came in.

Niecy Nash, Table for Three.

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She is curvy and proud of it, but I was anxious one of those girls was going to do a Jack-in-the-Box thing at any moment. Clear the first row, wardrobe malfunction.

 

Natasha Lyonne shoulda been Russian to get that dress off.

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“I can’t believe our little Leonard has become a man. I love a good bar mitzvah. Pass me the pigs in a blanket, wouldja, dahling?”

The good ones, and you’re going to make your meeting, because there weren’t too many.

MJ Rodriguez strikes a Pose.

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Now that’s a dress. I love the proportions and those black bows are everything. Simply styled and beautifully worn.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge should be the new Disney princess–smart, sassy and funny as fuck.Phoebe-Waller-Bridge

I love the dress. I love the woman. She can write and she can act. And apparently, she can also dress. I wish she’d had on her signature red lipstick, though.

Naomi, Watts black dead gorgeous.

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Oh, swoon, love, sigh. I give it a 1,398,087 on a scale of 1-10.

 

It’s black and white, Kerry Washington wears the pants on the carpet

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Simple lines, but blingy, too. Love those bangs. There’s no gray area–this is simply gorgeous.

 

 

 

gratitude-a-thon day 822:oscar red (NOT BLACK) carpet

My GOD, some of last night’s dresses were seemingly chosen with a blindfold on, in a dark room. And by the way, what the hell hapened on E! last night? There were like four interviews and they cut to a line-up, including Kris Jenner, who sat around a room grading PHOTOS of the red carpet appearances. Guessing ABC, who now does a red carpet show too, shut them down, but nobody told ME! Shall we get on with it.

Heidi Klum, The color ugly, I mean purple.

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This reminds me of something Mary Tyler Moore might have worn to bed in The Dick Van Dyck Show. Sometimes I think Heidi is fucking with us. “I’m so freaking hot, I can get away with wearing anything, and people will think it’s fashion.” Busted.

David Bowie, I mean, Sandy Powell

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E! online saw this get up from behind and thought it was Tilda Swinton. And of course, you can see how that could have been, but it was a pretty big gaffe on Ross Matthew’s part. Not, of course, bigger than this totally horrific and complete ugliness. I mean, I’m not sure even Bowie would have worn this back in the day. There’s homage, and then there’s hot mess.

Amy Poehler, Inside Out disaster.

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Somehow I can’t imagine seeing this dress and being all, “That’s the one, that’s my Oscars dress.” It’s too casual, it’s too drab, it’s too much fabric, it looks like she could take off on a winged adventure. And before she arrived, she should have.

Olivia Wilde-ly unnatractive.

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Hard to pull off without a wardrobe malfuntion, so I’ll give it to her for having the perfect boobs for this dress, but I hated this bland, trying-to-be-sexy-but-missing-by-a-mile look. And the milkmaid hair just made me want hot chocolate–did the Swissmiss girl have braids?

Jennifer Jason Leigh’s right boob explodes.

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The color washed her out, the skirt had “bad bar mitvah dress” written all over it, the word “dowdy” comes to mind, but it was her right boob that really got me. It was bursting forth with poofy flowers. Is it Breast Flower Awareness Month?

Daisy Ridley looked better in Star Wars.

I loved Rey’s clothes in The Force Awakens. They were sexy, modern, and feminine. It’s too bad, The costume designer didn’t dress this perfectly fresh faced, totally beautiful actress last night.

Mindy Kaling and a cape that’s trailing.

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Mindy always slays. But last night, was an exception. She looked poured in, tied up, and just bad. I also noticed that her lips looked Kylie Jennered, something I would not have ever expected from Mindy. You’re going to have to get back up on the horse, girl.

And the best. Which were pretty great.

Jennifer Lawrence is a Joy.

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Wow. Whoa. Wahoo. This dress is everything I love. It’s black, it’s fenimine, it’s got lace and tulle, and fits in the most perfect way. And her hair. Her hair! Simple, sexy, smashing. I was not a fan of her red Globe’s dress, with the big necklace, and I absolutely couldn’t bear looking at her hair that night. But this look, from head to toe, is a 25. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever seen on a red carpet. ANYWHERE. EVER.

Charlize Theron, Mad (Max) for the dress.

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When you’re 5’10, you’re already ahead of the game, in terms of being a great clothes hanger. But this simply cut, red frock rocked the carpet. That beautiful diamond pendant was just right, too. I wish her hair was looser, or slicked back, but this was a show stopper.

Saiorse Ronan and the wearin’ of the green.

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Way to go in the category of effortless GORG. Top to bottom stunning.  The hair is young and carefree looking, and the makeup is sexy and sultry, but not too much for a 21 year old to pull off. This dress fits beatifully, and the color is lovely, because of her fair skin, and because of the nod she was giving to her homeland.

Spotlight on Rachel McAdams

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This is a beautiful dress. Simple, even though the back is anything but, it comes off as subtle. She kept the accessories to a minimum, and the hair is not stealing the show. Spot on, Rachel.

Naomi Watts that you’re wearing so perfectly?

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This is beautiful. It fits like that glove did not fit O.J. It shimmers, it shines, and looks like she was born in it. I’m pretty sure the necklace made Liz Taylor rise from the dead.

 

gratitude-a-thon day 806: sag red carpet hits and misses

I thought all award shows were on Sunday nights, which is why when my sister sent an email red carpet fashion alert to her near and dear (this is the kind of family I’m from), I was psyched up, thinking about my sunday night pajama fest with Guiliana (the hosts of e!online), and some food that no body on the carpet would be able to wear, I mean eat. Anyway, last night my husband and I were just getting take-out and getting ready for an on-demand movie, but when I re-read Joan’s email to see what station the show was on (red carpet rule 1: be prepared), I realized it was  literally happening while I was reading! Last night–a Saturday night. So, thankfully, I was not out, and could cozy up to the tv, or we wouldn’t be here right now (talk about a tragedy).

So, welcome to the carpet, kids. Let’s see what we have.

The worst, because it’s so much more fun than the best, and I’m not even going to apologize for that. I know you feel the same way too, so you’re welcome

Lori Petty. “Ten Hut, Welcome to the Pepto Bismol Army.”

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I don’t even know. So, it’s pink. Like bad pink, like seriously she took a bottle of Pepto Bismol to an Army recruiting office and said, “I’ll join up if you can make me this uniform in this color and I can first wear it to the SAG awards.” Possible, right? I mean, what else could it be? Also, never wear a midriff-baring outfit, unless your midriff is worth baring.

2 Gaby Hoffman. She’s adorable, but her dress, not so much.

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I really like Gaby, because she’s quirky and gives brave performances, always playing characters that are off-center, and interesting. BUT THIS ISN’T A POPULARITY CONTEST, PEOPLE. So, first of all, the fit is off. I don’t think this girl has a stomach, but this dress gives her one, so check the “not flattering” box on your form. Her shoes are the color of a little dot at the top of the dress, which is floating out in space. What is that dot? Why is it there? To match her shoes? Her earrings don’t look like quality items. I saw her demonstrate how you could actually write on the fabric of the dress. I would have written, “This dress is ugly.”

Nicole Kidman. Are you kidman-ding?

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She’s beautiful. I mean, there’s that, so like, she can put on the polartec blanket I was swathed in last night, and still be gorg, but that dress, that multi-layered circus of stereo typical girly colors, with the clown ruffle, was just not pretty. It’s simple, this was ugly. And that’s all.

Sola Bamis. “This flight is delayed due to the SAG awards.”

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This color is heaven on this girl, but “the wings” belong on a very bold angel. That bow in the back of her neck is just wrong. I’m sure it was meant to give a simple dress some pow, but it just looked ow.

Julianne Moore. Fit is everything (this dress is not).

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Ugh. I love Julianne, and she is generally so good on the carpet, so perfect, so right. But look at the boob area of this dress. It’s too much fabric, or too low, or something. It makes her look like she’s slouching. I love the color on her, but the fit is just off, off, off. And it would have been smart if she’d actually taken it off and put on something else before she arrived.

Christina Hendricks. The boobs have it.

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This picture does not look as bad as this dress looked on tv. Christina has big boobs. Very big. Bigger than that. And I guess I don’t know what you do with boobs like that, when you’re trying to wear clothes. But I don’t think it’s this. I get that they were aiming to balance the top with the bottom by adding all that train fabric, and flappy stuff on her shoulder. I get that people are making an effort here to make this ravishing girl look as ravishing as she is, but it’s a fail. She just looks big, boxy, heavy, and blah. Her boobs always take center stage. They enter the room before her and they stay even after the party’s over.

January Jones did not apparently have time for a fitting.

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Nice hair. Nice color. But the fit is anything but fitting. Wow, I just can’t even, so I won’t.

 

The best is so much less fun, but we need to give credit where credit is due.

 

Viola Davis. How to get away with looking amazing

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Killer look. Viola ruled last night. She really done good. Total package. Hair, makeup, jewelry, dress. Giving it a 10, maybe even more.

Eva Longoria. Where oh where is her underwear?

Slam dunk, wow, pow, way to rock the carpet. I did think she had over-tanned, and I would have liked some different hair, like maybe a low pony, but i thought this dress was amazing on her. Seriously, though, where is her vajayjay?

Tina Fey. Funny how she has become a fashion girl.

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Loving this dress. And loving that Tina’s style has really evolved. She hits it outta the park a lot at these shows. This is simple, and fits beautifully. I love the top and the way it indents. She is (30) rocking it.

Rachel McAdams in the spotlight.

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I went back and forth on this dress, but ultimately, I think it’s just lovely. This shot of her with her hair just right convinced me that this must have been sublime in person. When I was in the “no” camp it was becasue I felt the neckline was a little too high. But I’m going thumbs up for this look.

Kristen Wiig. Laugh as you might, this girl knows fashion.

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I love this super modern, totally comfy-looking jumpsuit. Great shoes, right on simple hair, bag and jewelry. Whoever Kristin’s stylist is, I’m giving them an A, because she is always killing the carpet.

Sophia Vergara is always the same–really good.

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You always know what you’re going to get with Sophia. It’s likely going to be strapless, and body concious. But it works for her, and so aside from being a little predictable and boring, it’s always really good. This was better than usual in the fit area, as in it fit her like a glove, which it doesn’t always. Vavanoroomforimprovement.

Demi Moore wore a vintage gown and a vintage body, too.

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Say what you will about Demi. But she looks like she did 20 years ago. Seriously, this 53 year old woman could easily pass for decades younger. Look at her body. It’s INSANE. Her face is still just LOVELY. and the dress is so good. She’s always known how to look perfect, and even though she hasn’t been in the public eye in a long time, she still knows how to wow. I’m giving her a 20. Sorry, it just has to be done.