gratitude-a-thon day 2096: i hate my nose. is this my moment?

This is how my nose started out. Who would have known its trajectory….

I have hated my nose since, hmmmm, I guess probably since 6th grade, when I had my school picture taken and it arrived back in that big envelope, which you open with anticipation, only to find that somehow the photographer had not only captured my hair, parted straight down the middle, a Glamour Don’t if you weren’t born with a classic button nose, or unless you were Cher, standing on end (EPIC static electricity head) and the perfect angle of my nose– pointing down in such a way that I resembled the Wicked Witch of the North’s less attractive sister. Really. I wish I could find it, but I think I might have, wisely, destroyed every copy. Even my parents didn’t want to buy it.

Anyway, I used to daydream of having a smaller shnoz. I used to sit and sing to the record player while I held my thumb to uplift my proboscis in hopes that it might stay that way (I know. How did I even get in to college). I prayed for a nose job. And I learned my lesson on the picture posing. If I tipped my head back some, my nose wouldn’t point down, a la my 6th-grade disaster. I think I was doing a full-on backbend in my senior photo. At some point in my 20’s I was working at an ad agency and I got a blunt chin length haircut, only to come back to work and have the creative director tell me I looked just like Barbara Streisand (I’m pretty sure I took to my bed for a few days).

Now, I would like to stop here and tell you that the truth is that given my heritage, I was very lucky in the beak department. My mother had a very good-sized nose, with an actual ball on the end of it. Yup. Truth. But it was my dad’s nose that really took the prize. He had a classic hooked nose that protruded outward about…..well, let’s just say, I’m betting you could use his nose to measure how far away you’re currently supposed to be from other people. That big. So, you know, I could have been much worse off in the nose department, and as I got older, I recognized my good fortune, such as it was.

So, you can imagine that this might be thrilling for me, to have to wear a mask out and cover my nose, right? This might well be my moment! Yes and no. It’s kind of fun having people not know what a big honker I have underneath my makeshift masks, but it’s also awful because every mask I’ve tried totally smushes my nose down so that I can hardly breathe. (Still those damn upturned nose girls have it easier.) So, it’s a mixed bag. Although, back in sixth grade it might have been a lifesaver if I’d had one on in that class photo.

Gratitude for having a healthy nose, at this point!

Purell hugs and kisses.

4 thoughts on “gratitude-a-thon day 2096: i hate my nose. is this my moment?

  1. Toni, your nose is fine. You are beautiful. You are way too critical of yourself! I know this because first of all, I have spent a lot of time in your presence (even if most of it was many years ago), so I am quite familiar with your shnoz. Secondly, I feel that way about my linebacker-sized neck. However, to people who are not me, no one really even notices my neck. It’s just this part of me that holds up my head (which would be very hard to do without said neck). Your nose is able to smell flowers, smell garlic simmering, smell when Riley needs a bath. My neck is able to wear a lovely scarf, wear a stunning necklace, and when I was younger, receive a hickey from cute boys. During this pandemic, when we have extra time to critique ourselves in the mirror, let’s love all our body parts. They make us, well…us! Be grateful for that cute nose and I’ll work on loving my neck. I love all of you, my 40 year friend.

  2. I never even gave your nose a second thought, never occurs to me that your nose might be considered big. I just always thought you were, and still are beautiful. Funny thing is is I have a turned up button nose that I desperately tried to flatten out every night. I would lie on my back, place the sheet over my nose and pull down tight, it obviously never worked. 🤣🤣🤣

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