Technology gratitude. We got a new tv. The last time we bought a television was 15 years ago. Yes, of course I knew that they’d improved in every way, but seriously, I feel like people are in the room with me. When I turn this thing on, it’s much more like watching a play. I’m half scared someone is going to reach into my bowl of popcorn.
Those poor news people–you can see every wrinkle, blemish and roll of fat (course, Anderson Coooper is still adorable). No wonder actresses are having so much plastic surgery, makeup can’t hide this kind of magnifying glass.
And let’s discuss size, this thing is like having a giant iphone. It’s thinner than a bed sheet. My old tv was thick, like John Goodman before he went on that diet. And it was heavy, like a freaking piano. My dog could pick up this tv.
Plus it’s smart (smarter than I am). It’s got all the stuff you want, like Netflix and Prime and Hulu embedded. Uh-huh! Ah, the 21st century.
Anyway, time marches on, and it’s sort of fun to see it in my den. Gratitude to all those perfect little people that fit into my ultra-thin screen and just wait for me to flick the switch and watch ’em.
When I was a kid pounding on a typewriter, doing homework and drafting papers, correcting mistakes with White Out, no such thing as “Cutting or Pasting,” I didn’t even have the imagination to conjure up the likes of what a computer could do. (Yes, I am “White Out” old). I mean, it was impossible back then, to even entertain that future technology would one day allow us to connect to the whole damn world on a tiny, thin oblong box, smaller than your hand. Not to mention, that you would be able to actually see the person that you were talking to on that tiny, thin oblong box that was smaller than your hand, if you so desired–WHAT. I mean, that’s some George Jetson shit right there, isn’t it?
Computer technology is like a dream you might have after doing mushrooms one night with your college roommates when you were supposed to be studying trig. I use my computer and phone to work remotely, to communicate with friends and family, to access my “other” brain, google. I rely on it for entertainment, getting news, planning a trip, going to a restaurant, finding the very best fill-in-the-blank and shopping for the mundane, like water, to the exotic, like the finest olives.
But oh, the deep down dread when something goes wrong with your computer or phone. I wish there was a Lifeline necklace for this issue, like they have for older people who fall. You know, you’d press it and a bunch of techie nerds would break down your door and come to your rescue (new service?)
Anyway, I am in computer hell right now. Again. I have a knight in White Shining armor coming tomorrow and hoping that he can sweep my laptop off its feet and get me back on the grid. There will not be enough gratitude. NOT. ENOUGH. I. TELL. YOU.
If I were curmudgeonly and old, I’d call it new fangled technology, but I am not (well, at least not the curmudgeonly part). Today I am here in praise of my iphone. All hail this piece of wizardry that’s smaller than a deck of cards, but connects me to the whole freaking world.
While I am generally in awe of this magical little gizmo, which I carry in my hand, pocket, bag, and coat at all times, I was particularly in love with it last night when I was going to sleep way too late, after binge watching a great series on Netflix called The Fall, and my kids started texting (we have a constant four way text stream going at all times). This isn’t unusual, since we text all the time, but something about the late night letters got to me. No, they weren’t down the hallway in their rooms after a big haul of candy. No my feet didn’t hurt because of the miles we’d covered to get that candy. No, I didn’t have remnants of black eye pencil cat whiskers on my face from my yearly kitty costume.But they were, nonetheless, connecting with me, albeit electronically, and making me laugh, and telling me that they loved me.
I imagine my mom in bed on the first Halloween that I wasn’t home, big empty house, answering the door to little kids, thinking about me and what I might be doing that first year away at college (as I remember I was a one of a six of Heinekin and one for the road–there were seven of us). But I don’t have to wonder because of my handy, dandy Steve Jobsian telly. I don’t have to wonder because my kids told me–Ally was an angel to her roommate’s devil. Jake was sick with a stomach bug that had spread through his frat house, and had an exam. We were fingertip to fingertip, emoji to emoji at midnight on Halloween, an epic holiday in our house for so many years.
Maybe Jake and Ally will have holograms of their children talking to them when they leave for college. But me, I feel lucky to have my little phone, and my big kids. What a great connection.
The truth is that I am sort of a loser when it comes to technology. I mean, I know how to do the basic stuff with my computer and phone, but I don’t know the super cool shortcuts, or anything that’s the least bit advanced. When I get stuck, I hit up google, call Apple, put out a Facebook-wide plea for help.
So, while you techies might not be impressed with this list of i-phone tricks, it opened up a whole new world for this old dog. Gratitude to “15 Things You Never Knew Your I-phone Could Do.”