gratitude-a-thon day 806: sag red carpet hits and misses

I thought all award shows were on Sunday nights, which is why when my sister sent an email red carpet fashion alert to her near and dear (this is the kind of family I’m from), I was psyched up, thinking about my sunday night pajama fest with Guiliana (the hosts of e!online), and some food that no body on the carpet would be able to wear, I mean eat. Anyway, last night my husband and I were just getting take-out and getting ready for an on-demand movie, but when I re-read Joan’s email to see what station the show was on (red carpet rule 1: be prepared), I realized it was  literally happening while I was reading! Last night–a Saturday night. So, thankfully, I was not out, and could cozy up to the tv, or we wouldn’t be here right now (talk about a tragedy).

So, welcome to the carpet, kids. Let’s see what we have.

The worst, because it’s so much more fun than the best, and I’m not even going to apologize for that. I know you feel the same way too, so you’re welcome

Lori Petty. “Ten Hut, Welcome to the Pepto Bismol Army.”

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I don’t even know. So, it’s pink. Like bad pink, like seriously she took a bottle of Pepto Bismol to an Army recruiting office and said, “I’ll join up if you can make me this uniform in this color and I can first wear it to the SAG awards.” Possible, right? I mean, what else could it be? Also, never wear a midriff-baring outfit, unless your midriff is worth baring.

2 Gaby Hoffman. She’s adorable, but her dress, not so much.

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I really like Gaby, because she’s quirky and gives brave performances, always playing characters that are off-center, and interesting. BUT THIS ISN’T A POPULARITY CONTEST, PEOPLE. So, first of all, the fit is off. I don’t think this girl has a stomach, but this dress gives her one, so check the “not flattering” box on your form. Her shoes are the color of a little dot at the top of the dress, which is floating out in space. What is that dot? Why is it there? To match her shoes? Her earrings don’t look like quality items. I saw her demonstrate how you could actually write on the fabric of the dress. I would have written, “This dress is ugly.”

Nicole Kidman. Are you kidman-ding?

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She’s beautiful. I mean, there’s that, so like, she can put on the polartec blanket I was swathed in last night, and still be gorg, but that dress, that multi-layered circus of stereo typical girly colors, with the clown ruffle, was just not pretty. It’s simple, this was ugly. And that’s all.

Sola Bamis. “This flight is delayed due to the SAG awards.”

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This color is heaven on this girl, but “the wings” belong on a very bold angel. That bow in the back of her neck is just wrong. I’m sure it was meant to give a simple dress some pow, but it just looked ow.

Julianne Moore. Fit is everything (this dress is not).

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Ugh. I love Julianne, and she is generally so good on the carpet, so perfect, so right. But look at the boob area of this dress. It’s too much fabric, or too low, or something. It makes her look like she’s slouching. I love the color on her, but the fit is just off, off, off. And it would have been smart if she’d actually taken it off and put on something else before she arrived.

Christina Hendricks. The boobs have it.

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This picture does not look as bad as this dress looked on tv. Christina has big boobs. Very big. Bigger than that. And I guess I don’t know what you do with boobs like that, when you’re trying to wear clothes. But I don’t think it’s this. I get that they were aiming to balance the top with the bottom by adding all that train fabric, and flappy stuff on her shoulder. I get that people are making an effort here to make this ravishing girl look as ravishing as she is, but it’s a fail. She just looks big, boxy, heavy, and blah. Her boobs always take center stage. They enter the room before her and they stay even after the party’s over.

January Jones did not apparently have time for a fitting.

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Nice hair. Nice color. But the fit is anything but fitting. Wow, I just can’t even, so I won’t.

 

The best is so much less fun, but we need to give credit where credit is due.

 

Viola Davis. How to get away with looking amazing

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Killer look. Viola ruled last night. She really done good. Total package. Hair, makeup, jewelry, dress. Giving it a 10, maybe even more.

Eva Longoria. Where oh where is her underwear?

Slam dunk, wow, pow, way to rock the carpet. I did think she had over-tanned, and I would have liked some different hair, like maybe a low pony, but i thought this dress was amazing on her. Seriously, though, where is her vajayjay?

Tina Fey. Funny how she has become a fashion girl.

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Loving this dress. And loving that Tina’s style has really evolved. She hits it outta the park a lot at these shows. This is simple, and fits beautifully. I love the top and the way it indents. She is (30) rocking it.

Rachel McAdams in the spotlight.

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I went back and forth on this dress, but ultimately, I think it’s just lovely. This shot of her with her hair just right convinced me that this must have been sublime in person. When I was in the “no” camp it was becasue I felt the neckline was a little too high. But I’m going thumbs up for this look.

Kristen Wiig. Laugh as you might, this girl knows fashion.

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I love this super modern, totally comfy-looking jumpsuit. Great shoes, right on simple hair, bag and jewelry. Whoever Kristin’s stylist is, I’m giving them an A, because she is always killing the carpet.

Sophia Vergara is always the same–really good.

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You always know what you’re going to get with Sophia. It’s likely going to be strapless, and body concious. But it works for her, and so aside from being a little predictable and boring, it’s always really good. This was better than usual in the fit area, as in it fit her like a glove, which it doesn’t always. Vavanoroomforimprovement.

Demi Moore wore a vintage gown and a vintage body, too.

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Say what you will about Demi. But she looks like she did 20 years ago. Seriously, this 53 year old woman could easily pass for decades younger. Look at her body. It’s INSANE. Her face is still just LOVELY. and the dress is so good. She’s always known how to look perfect, and even though she hasn’t been in the public eye in a long time, she still knows how to wow. I’m giving her a 20. Sorry, it just has to be done.

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