January 2015 – Page 3 – *the gratitude-a-thon

gratitude-a-thin day 511: a sliver of light in the dark

January 11, 2015January 11, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

When you lose someone, in the moment there is just pain. Searing, penetrating, all-encompassing pain. We cry more tears than we think we have. We can think of nothing but what is gone. Somehow we plod through the quicksand of grief. Eventually, at some point, which seems a little different for everyone, we realize the kindnesses afforded us when our pain was too big to hold alone. We see that old friends come forward to keep us afloat, and people you never knew show up, honoring what’s been lost in unusually life affirming ways. Suddenly one day, we see that deep inside the loss there are some gains. Not that the loss is a happy thing, but that even in all the pain, a happy thing can also exist.

I have made the loveliest connection because of a loss. I still wish the loss was a silly dream, but I am so grateful for the pretty little flower that grew out of this wreckage.

gratitude-a-thon day 510: same thing, new package

January 10, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Once again, I am attempting to get meditation to be a natural part of my life. And while in the past, I have tried to gently invite it in, forcefully make it mine, coax it in with a promise of treats & snacks, I am taking a brand new tact with it this time around.

Instead of looking at the long haul of a new habit, I’m borrowing from the 12-step programs, and just telling myself that I am going to do it today. All I have to think about is making the choice to meditate today.

Are you laughing? Does that sound basic and non-revolutionary? Well, it is pretty simple, but I think it’s a very non-threatening way of making this, my 1,383,469th attempt at daily meditation, a habit. Ok, then, let’s see how this goes down. As Beckett says, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” Yup.

gratitude-a-thon day 511: the freedom to say whatever the fuck you want, including “fuck”

January 9, 2015January 9, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

I admit, I was afraid to go see The Interview in a theater, for fear that I’d get a side of violence with my popcorn. (What I should have been afraid of was how BAD this movie was. Personally, I think that’s what North Korea was really mad about). But I quickly realized that I was not standing up for one of the basic rights that makes our country different, and a better place than so many other places. And now with the Charlie Hedbo massacre, France is in the same boat with us, needing to protect a right that is as vital to us as breathing.

Without free speech, we’re ignoring the beauty of the myriad of views that make this a horse race. Every voice is important. Even Ann Coulter (someone who I abhor, and share nothing with, but the fact that we both have vaginas) should be able to say what she wants. In this country, as in France, we support the freedom to say what we will.

I’m enormously grateful for, or should I say “fucking grateful for” one of the things that’s just so right about this country: the freedom of expression, of words, of speech. It must be encouraged, it must be nurtured, it must be protected.

gratitude-a-thon day 509: modern day magic

January 8, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

The truth is that I am sort of a loser when it comes to technology. I mean, I know how to do the basic stuff with my computer and phone, but I don’t know the super cool shortcuts, or anything that’s the least bit advanced. When I get stuck, I hit up google, call Apple, put out a Facebook-wide plea for help.

So, while you techies might not be impressed with this list of i-phone tricks, it opened up a whole new world for this old dog. Gratitude to “15 Things You Never Knew Your I-phone Could Do.”

gratitude-a-thon day 508: two dogs are even better than one

January 7, 2015January 7, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

An accusatory look from Riley. “Is she staying, or what?”

I’ve been dog sitting a good friend’s dog for the past two days. And my husband and I are like, “ok, I could totally see having two dogs.” We think it’s hysterical the way they follow us around, compete for attention, mimic each other. Instead of just getting a hero’s welcome home when you come in the door, you get two furry parades. It’s totally awesome.

Violet, making her way through Riley’s toy basket.

There have been some scuffles over bones, which Riley has hidden all over the house, as if he is thinking about nuclear disaster, and wants to be prepared. Half the time I’m sleeping with a rawhide chew under my pillow, or sitting on top of one when I’m on the couch. Anyway, the minute Violet arrived, he got very proprietary with his stash. But once I took all the bones and put them out of reach, the two of them seemed to do just fine.

Anyway, it’s made me laugh a lot. And I’m always grateful for anything that makes me laugh. So, here’s to Violet.

gratitude-a-thon day 507: when pain goes bye bye

January 6, 2015January 6, 2015Uncategorized4 Comments

You know what’s funny about pain? When you have it, it’s really all you can think about. But when it somehow finds its way home, and you’re free of Ann Coulter and the devil’s love child, you too quickly take your non-pain status as natural. What I mean is that you sort of forget that you don’t have it anymore, more quickly than you should. It doesn’t usually get it’s proper goodbye party. You don’t normaly celebrate appropriately, because your body just sort of slides back into the status quo.

Between a couple of naughty discs in my back, endometriosis, migraines, and a shit immune system, I have had to learn to tame pain with all sorts of tricks. There’s only one thing that I like about pain. And that’s when it goes away. The relief is like getting a knock on the door from Ed McMahon and the Publishers Clearing House telling you that you’ve won $10 million dollars (of course, if Ed McMahon shows up at your door, you don’t need $10 million, you need a casket, because you’re probably dead, seeing that he’s been in Publishers Clearing House heaven since 2009). When pain exits, your body heads for a familiar place. Your forehead says sayanara to the nasty furrow between your eyes. The color of the air changes to sunny yellow.

I have the additional joy of feeling emotional pain when I get physical pain. I panic, wondering if I am going to have a long bout of pain (I’ve had some years where pain was a domineering mother, telling me what to do at every turn), and what it is I will have to give up, and do in order to rid myself of the pain (like go to physical therapy, have a tooth pulled, cancel an appointment, or social engagement). None of the things are what you’d call fun, but when faced with a wretched period of persistent pain, you’re pretty willing to do what it takes to show your discomfort the door.

I’m having a little back pain and it’s freaking me out pretty good, because I worry I might be at the beginning of a pain cycle. But I’m going to go gently, and meditate, and I’m going to be fine. Right now I’m focusing on what it’s like not to feel the pain. You know how it feels? Fucking fantastic, that’s how. Fucking fantastic.

gratitude-a-thon day 507: she didn’t get it from me

January 5, 2015January 5, 2015Uncategorized1 Comment

Having not been an athlete growing up (I was a cheerleader, but Ally says that doesn’t count), I’m always wowed by my daughter’s soccer skills. It’s not just that she knows what to do with a ball on the field, it’s that she actually has balls on the field. Which is to say that she’s brave. She goes out there and has to listen to trash talk, play against girls bigger and better, and not bow underneath the intense pressure of a team that’s relying on every player to do their best. Some games are such high intensity, I barely have what it takes to watch from the sidelines.

Team play is as good as any class you can take. You learn things you couldn’t learn anywhere else. And lots of them are about yourself. Ally has given up a lot to play at the high level she chooses to play at, but she lives for the rush, the camaraderie, I think maybe even the stress. Nothing I’ve ever done (except maybe watch all the seasons of Lost,which took a huge emotional toll, let’s face it) compares to the commitment that she’s given to sports. I had to learn about hard work, resilience, and tenacity elsewhere. But Ally has been practicing those skills since she was five. And she’s actually had a lot of fun and made a lot of friends while she was doing it.

As the college thing approaches (we just came back from a college showcase tournament), soccer will be a huge consideration for Ally, as she chooses where she’ll spend her four years. Soccer, which has been such a big part of her life, will now become an even bigger part of her more adult life. I marvel at her strength. I envy her love of the game. I am grateful to be able to have watched her grow up on a field. Turns out fields are really good at helping you grow up. I wish I’d known that when I was a kid.

gratitude-a-thon day 506: the resolutions, better late than not at all

January 4, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Being in Orlando for Ally’s soccer tournament (I’m sorry, I forgot to add “rainy and COLD” before Orlando) made me feel like the new year hadn’t really come at all. Despite the spectacular fireworks we saw, and the party in the hotel lobby, where the beaded party dresses were like 10 pounds, the idea that I’d be writing 2015 instead of 2014 seemed not to register.

I thought about resolutions, but what with walking around wrapped in a blanket, wearing the same moldy sweatshirt (my warmest item of clothing) for three days, and getting preposterously lost on the way to dinner for an hour and a half one night, while 35 hungry people and players waited for us, I wasn’t able to properly concentrate on what I’d like to work on this new year.

So, here are a few of the things I’ve been thinking about since I came home:

1. Use my new foot! Ah, yes. I can’t adequately express the fun of having a functional foot! It’s been such a long time since I haven’t had to worry about not “using up” my foot, that I have a whole lot more room in my brain for all sorts of other worries! Seriously, I had to plot out my daily activities, in order to be able to walk, so this kind of freedom is all sorts of crazy for me. Between my trainer moving to Cali, and my foot’s demise, I haven’t been exercising regularly, and it has taken its toll both physically and mentally. But I am jumping feet first into 2015.

2. I am going to make every effort to give it on over to meditation. I jump on and off this bandwagon a few times a year, but I am going to try and get quiet here, and make this the year.

3. Be more open to what can be. And of course, I don’t mean more open with my feelings, or thoughts, because you know I’m already wearing my heart on my sleeve, but more open to any and all possibilities. Work, joy, relationships. Not just peering in doors that are half open, but busting in.

4. As always, I will continue to work on my organizational skills. Ho, hum, but always worthwhile, and my yearly resolution to get my shit together in this regard, has taken me a step further with every dropping ball.

5. Find a charity. I’ve been giving my time to my kid’s schools for the past 15 years, but with Ally graduating next year, I will need another organization to give my time to, one I believe makes a meaningful difference (I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be one of those creepy people who keeps working for the school after their kids graduate. Um, no.)

6. Lastly, I’d like to eat better food, maybe veg out once or twice a week. That means shopping more, and cooking more, but maybe also, feeling more energy. Sounds like a fair trade.

All these things are doable. And if I just keep them in mind everyday, with the idea of making some inroads, I will consider myself a resolutionary success (I will make up more words this year, too).

gratitude-a-thon day 505: Go Blue

January 3, 2015UncategorizedLeave a Comment

Jet Blue is kind of awesome. I’ve had some really good luck with them lately, and I just wanted to tip my tired head to them. First of all, having free tv on a flight makes the flying, well, FLY. I must have watched 10 episodes of “Love It or List It” (sweet Jesus, that realtor is annoying). Secondly, they seem to be pretty reliably on time. I really appreciate that. And the extra leg room for a little extra moola, is a heaven sent option. There was a crazy mishap with our luggage, but I’m blaming Logan, not my Blue pals. Flying the friendly skies these days is crowded and cramped. I vote Jet Blue for president. And oh, there’s no place like home (if you’re coming from Orlando).