I wrote this a few days ago, on my anniversary.
I have been married for 30 years today. That is 360 months, 1,260 weeks, 10,950 days, 262,800 hours, 15,768,000 and 946,080,000 (but who’s counting).
I’m going to tell you two things. One: My marriage is not perfect. Two: No marriage is perfect.
Having been married all those years is kind of an accomplishment, I think. Because to do so meant not giving up or in. It meant steadying the ship when there were tsunami-like waves, digging deep when things felt worse than sand in your bathing suit bottom, and staying in it because of one thing: your commitment.
Love is dreamy, love is better than swimming in chocolate. Even a good plate of pasta pales in comparison. But it’s commitment that wins the day. It’s commitment that makes a marriage unbreakable.
I am no picnic. I can be moody, bossy, demanding and emotional. I have had back problems since I met my husband. I have migraines. I had infertility and do not ask about menopause (DO NOT).
My husband is an easier person than I am. But he has his faults too (plenty of them, by the way). But honestly, it amazes me that ANYBODY could possibly stand me for this amount of time! And that, in a nutshell, speaks to Peter’s good nature. And to how lucky I am to have found him. And a good hunk of why our marriage has endured.
We are dramatically different people. I am all out there and open– ask-me-and-I’ll-tell-you. Peter is much more private, extremely smart, intensely thoughtful and very steady. I am talkative and exuberant. He is an academic, a science nerd, a student. Ask me anything about popular culture and you’d think I got my PhD in it. He is happy anywhere. I am finicky and fussy and always like things to be pretty. He is insanely optimistic and easily overlooks the bad. I am a recovered pessimist and am able to see reality with clear vision.
BUT what we share is a commitment to one another and to our love, our life together and our kids and our dog. We are MAD for our kids. We have the same values. We have influenced one another in ways that have benefitted both of us. He’s more social because of me. I’m more grounded because of him. We both love to laugh, we adore movies, theater and good food. We cannot get enough of our children. We value good politics, good friends and good beaches. We adore travel, and just hanging out on our couch under furry blankets binge-watching a great series.
And I’ll tell you something honest, during a rough patch, I will think, “I’m done, I CANNOT,” and I want to take the potato peeler to his nose and call a divorce lawyer. But then he will do something so loving, so tender, that I fall in love with him again. We find our way back to one another, day by day. Little by little. Out of the ashes, we rise. And again we are in unison, we are in love. And this happens over and over. Because this is marriage.
I don’t know, I guess there might be people for whom marriage is easy. But for me, marriage has been a job where you must work hard to stay employed. When we are out of synch, we have to scuba through the murky waters to find one another. And each time it’s a decision to swim or flee. We have both decided we are worth it. Because we love each other deeply and our commitment to one another is total. If there is anything that can keep two people together, it’s love and commitment. And we are lucky enough to have those two things in spades.
Here’s to the next 30 years. I love you, Peter Lansbury, and damn, am I grateful for you.