Month: February 2016
gratitude-a-thon day 813: the one true thing
It really does seem like the one thing, the one true thing is love.
The magic of the chemical reaction. The knowledge that someone cares beyond a shadow of a shadow of a doubt. The feeling that no matter where you are, no matter what has occured, that love will prevail and save the day.
It’s all we have, really–the slippery feeling that can rise and fall like the Roman empire. And even if it can’t be pinned down, made to stay ignited at its highest flame, it always leaves behind reminders and remnants and lofty lessons that won’t be, can’t be erased, because these little bits are the bits that make you the person who you become.
Sometimes it’s fickle, and cruel, and earth shatteringly heartless, but even then, its teachings serve a purpose you will understand as the clock ticks.
The truest of love, though, will endure like cement, like a Redwood, like the ocean. It will act like a life raft, it will percolate and bubble by your side, and in your heart. It will pull you along when you’re stuck in the mud, and lift you higher when you’re already in flight. Its spark can light you up within. And that spark, that unexplainable feeling that gives us courage, allows us to reach higher and go deeper, to believe in ourselves with no doubts, that thing that is unbreakable and sturdy, and inexplicable, that thing in all its various shapes and colors, will always, always, deliver us home.
gratitude-a-thon day 813: who knows: crazy beautiful life
My God, life is curvy, and unpredictable, and uphill, and a fucking mess.
And at the same time, it’s magnificent, and amazing, and that first perfect sip of morning coffee, and brilliant, and exciting, and major blue sky.
You never know what it will be. Sometimes you think you’re at cruising altitude, and you’ve got your headphones on, and your movie all cued up, and a blanket, and you’re not sitting next to someone who smells funny, or is taking up some of your seat, or snores, and you have some super salty nuts (man, I love super salty nuts), and then, those oxygen masks fall down and the whole plane starts doing the watusi.
The thing is you never even see it coming–the watusi plane.
Conversely, you can be walking down the street, going to the bank, and you can bump into someone who might change your life. You might fall in mad, deep, and passionate love. You might get a brand new amazing job. Go on a trip that completely opens your eyes to a new way of thinking. You might find out your having a baby. You might have some sort of epiphany that rocks your Kasbah. You might bite into the best thing your tongue has ever had the pleasure of meeting.
You just don’t know. What the day will be. Grateful for the ups and downs. For the ride. For the complexity, pain, and love in the world. No matter what, grateful for my life.
gratitude-a-thon day 812: bored panda
Sometimes when I’m in a cranky mood (lke today), I meander over to boredpanda.com and take a look at what’s happening over there. There’s always something cool, interesting, funny, inspiring, or all of them there words all together.
Today I’m grateful for this. Kinda pepped me up a little and made me giggle. Oh yeah, and it rmeminded me, it’s all how you look at it.
gratitude-a-thon day 812: when a dog is more than that
A good friend lost her dog this weekend.
It was time.
Although, I don’t think it probably ever feelsl like time.
Syd was a yellow lab, with the sweetest personality it felt like she could give you diabetes. I love my dog, Riley, but the truth is, he’s not a dog’s dog, and he’s not really a people dog, he’s become, over the years, just a “me and my husband” dog. I don’t mind this (although it was fun when he was little and he loved everybody, and everything), but my friend’s dog wasn’t like this. Sydney was a true blue people dog. She was the kind of dog that made you think you were the freaking queen of England.
She had that, like, dog thing that labs and golden’s seem to have, which is that they really can’t get enough of you petting and giving them affection. They’re kind of in it with you. I happen to love that in a dog (actually in people, too). This summer, I was babysitting Syd for the day, and I remember going out and coming home, and when I walked in she stood with great effort to say hello with a tail wag. It was like she thought that was her job, and even though it was painful, she was that committed to her dogness and manners. It broke my heart a little. And made me want to scoop her up and hold onto her forever.
My friend lives in California and was here for the summer. I could tell this would be the last time I would see Syd, and that gesture, of getting up, even though it was hard for her, touched me in the deepest place. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the way her eyes looked that hot summer day, collecting herself that way, just to give me a meet and greet.
I’m a dog person through and through. I wasn’t always, and I feel lucky I found my tribe, because it’s made my heart so much bigger. That’s the thing about dogs, they can reach places in you that nobody else might ever touch. They can expand your emotional capacity in ways that might never see the light, otherwise.
Dogs are all love. That’s all they are. Just love.
Here’s to Sydney (and her owner, an extraordinary dog mommy). She was the best girl.
gratitude-a-thon day 811: fashion week: the sky
Around five o’clock-ish last night, Peter called to tell me to look out the window. There are a lot of tall houses in my neighborhood, and the direction he told me to look was mostly blocked, but I could vaguely see some yellow in the sky. I wish I’d gotten off my fat ass and gone out in search of a better view. Because holy shit.
Later on Facebook, there was a better view. A whole bunch of better views, in fact. And man am I grateful for that, because I’ve actually never seen anything like what the sky did yesterday. I mean, you get a pink sunset frequently and it always knocks me out, sort of a dreamy pink that’s ethereal and calming. And I’ve always been a little bit crazy for that color blue that happens at twilight, but a sky that shoots a strip of sun that reflects onto the trees and makes them yellow? Nope, I’ve never seen that before.
I hate winter, but this bit of winter–totally worth the inconvenience of the whole season.
gratitude-a-thon day 809: take a picture, it lasts longer
I’ve been playing with cameras all my life. My first Kodak was pocket sized. For a time I became obsessed with Instant Polaroid pics (I have many, and they have unfortuantely not aged well, no wonder that company went out of biz). I got a Canon AE-1 in college for my photography courses, and fell in love with developing. I found the world so pretty and artsy in black and white.
Although my dad had a Minox, a tiny little spy camera that gave you teeny tiny dollhouse sized photos you had to blow up to see, I was really the photo documentarian in my family. I mean, before I was born there are photos, but by the time I arrived, 14 years after my first sister, nobody was that interested in getting out the camera anymore. You can count the number of pictures there are of me as a baby. They are precious and special to me because there are so few of them (There are maybe a billion pictures of my kids).
I am always clicking with my i-phone. I love how accessible it makes picture taking. And I finally got a Canon Rebel recently, a nice digital model. Sometimes my kids hide from me, or put their hands up in protest when I try and take their pictures, because they think I take too many. Sometimes they’ll pose. My dog is a frequent subject. Sometimes he goes along with me, and sometimes he’s just like, “Seriously, put that camera away, I am not having a good fur day.”
The thing is, there is so much interesting beauty in so much of the world. I love the intracacies of a leaf, a branch of a tree. I adore the petal of a flower, the sky at dusk, a mountain’s craggy terrain, a person’s face in all its complexity. I am always looking for the deeper meaning in pictures. Even when they’re mundane. The lens of a camera often shows me things I might not ordinarily see.
Which is why I really liked this man’s story of how he got himself out of a depression through photography, because I get it. I am endlessly fascinated by the power of a picture. Take a look at these. They are crazy beautiful. Thanks for sharing William Patino.
gratitude-a-thon day 809:at least the dog will be here
It’s starting.
I’m beginning to fully comprehend that my daughter will be going to college next September and my family of five will be a family of three (I’m counting the dog in there, because well, he’s a family member).
I get a little spinny, a little out of breath when I allow this information in, or when it slips into my conciousness without invitation, or warning, (like in the middle of the fucking night) or like the other day in the meat section of the grocery store, when an old friend asked me about how it felt to think about not having any kids home next year.
I DON’T KNOW YET. SCARED, WEIRD, HAPPY, CRAZY, AND 92 OTHER THINGS. DON’T MAKE ME THINK ABOUT IT, IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT.
But I have to think about it, ready or not. It’s such a huge, massive, and alien change that I have to think about it. Part of me can’t even IMAGINE not having kids in my house everyday, after having them here for 21 years. CAN’T. EVEN. IMAGINE. And note: I have a very fertile imagination.
Sometimes I wonder if it will be like the experience of bringing home your first baby. Everything is different, every part of your life is changed. It takes a long time to remember you have another person to consider 24/7. It’s terrifying, and terrifyingly wonderful.
Is that what it will be like? To start again?
gratitude-a-thon day 808: loser is right
When I woke up at 3:00 a.m. (for no good reason) and checked the results in Iowa, and saw that Trump lost, I wanted to get up and bang pans in the street, open a bottle of champage in that way that makes it fizz and ruin your ceiling, jump up and down on the bed, but I decided it would have freaked my husband and my dog out too much.
Until I realized, of course, that Ted Cruz won.
It’s a cray cray situation when you’re having to root for the less horrible candidate in a presidential race. But goddamn, I am so happy that pompous piece of hair LOST. That is all.
*the gratitude-a-thon 